Chipotle's Adobo Ranch: Is This the Bloody Savior They Need?

A Right Donkey of a Start!

Right listen up you lot! Chipotle's had a first quarter so disastrous it's like watching a souffle collapse on bloody live television. Same store sales DOWN for the first time since 2020? Are you taking the mickey? Customers are scarpering because they're actually thinking about their wallets for once. What a shambles!

Adobo Ranch to the Rescue? Or Ranch Dressing Disaster?

So what's their bright idea? A bloody ranch dressing! Adobo Ranch they call it. Ooh spicy! As if adding a bit of pepper is going to solve all their problems. It's their first new dip since 2020's Queso Blanco… which let's be honest wasn't exactly winning any Michelin stars was it? It’s like putting a plaster on a bloody gaping wound! The problem is the whole damn menu not just the sauce.

75 Cents for Salvation? You're Having a Laugh!

Seventy five cents extra for this 'Adobo Ranch'? Are they serious? People are already worried about money and they're going to charge them extra for a bit of glorified sour cream? It's like charging extra for air! Look I love a good condiment as much as the next bloke but this feels like a desperate attempt to squeeze every last penny out of customers.

Ranch vs. Ketchup vs. The Bloody Mayo!

Apparently ranch outsells ketchup. Fine. But mayo still reigns supreme? Seriously? Mayo? That bland gloopy mess? What is wrong with you Americans? No wonder Chipotle thinks a bit of ranch is the answer to their prayers. It's like trying to fix a Ferrari with a bloody wrench! But let’s be honest the best condiment is the one that complements the dish! Now if they focused on the dish…

Shares in the Sh*tter!

And the share price? Down 12%! Their market cap has plummeted to a mere $71 billion. Poor darlings. Maybe they should spend less time worrying about ranch and more time focusing on the quality of their bloody ingredients! Fresh seasonal tasty. Is that too much to ask? Get the basics right you imbeciles!

Wake Up and Smell the Burnt Tortillas!

So will this Adobo Ranch be their saving grace? I doubt it. It's going to take more than a spicy dip to turn this ship around. Chipotle needs a serious kick up the arse a complete menu overhaul and a bloody good chef to sort it all out. Otherwise they're just another restaurant chain heading straight for the culinary graveyard. Now where's my bloody steak?