Brexit Stew Finally Simmering Down A Deal Fit For a King (Or at Least a Prime Minister)

Bloody Hell They've Actually Done It!

Right listen up you lot! After what feels like a decade of shouting matches and colder than a witch's tit relations the UK and EU have *finally* managed to cobble together a deal. Keir Starmer bless his cotton socks is hosting Ursula von der Leyen and her cronies in London. Sources tell CNBC (whoever they are) that the global big boys have actually shaken hands on something! It's about bloody time I say! For too long it has been the worst culinary experience ever; Like putting ketchup on a Lamborghini

Fishing? More Like a Fiasco!

Now the crux of it is this: reciprocal access to fishing waters until 2038. That's right 2038! What are we time travelers? But seriously fishing rights have been a thorn in everyone's side since this whole Brexit debacle started. And energy cooperation? Well that's just common sense innit? Security and defense partnership? Should have happened years ago but better late than never you donut!

Youth Mobility Scheme: Don't Get Your Hopes Up You Young Punks!

Ah the youth mobility scheme. The one that lets you young whippersnappers travel and work freely between the UK and EU. Sounds lovely doesn't it? But don't get your hopes up too high. Apparently they're still 'talking' about it. Talking! It's like ordering a soufflé and getting a soggy biscuit. Get on with it you muppets!

Starmer's in a Pickle: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Poor old Starmer. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. He can't look too pro Europe or the Brexit Brigade will be on his back. But he can't be too anti Europe or he'll alienate everyone else. It's a right mess I tell you. Like trying to make a decent risotto with bloody Uncle Ben's rice!

Trump's Tantrums and the Rise of Farage: A Right Royal Pain

And let's not forget about that prat Trump pulling away from global affairs like a toddler with a toy. And Farage the Brexit architect lurking in the shadows like a dodgy kebab van after closing time. Starmer's got his work cut out for him that's for sure. It is like trying to serve a perfectly cooked steak to a table full of vegans!

The Devil's in the Details (and the Red Tape)

Analysts at Teneo reckon this deal will be a mixed bag. Some symbolic fluff some underwhelming substance and a few stepping stones for future talks. Trade improvements? Don't hold your breath. Unless the UK rejoins the single market (which ain't happening) major breakthroughs are about as likely as finding a decent pizza in bloody Scotland. It is what it is a compromise; however I expected more from this crew!