Trump's Policies Killing Beer Sales! Is This the End of Friday Night Parties?

Giggity Giggity What's This I Hear?

Alright fellas Quagmire here reporting live from the front lines of the beer industry! Seems like even my favorite pastime is getting hit hard. Constellation Brands the folks behind Modelo and Corona are blaming ol' Donny T for their beer sales taking a nosedive. Turns out his tariffs and tough talk on immigration are making Hispanic consumers tighten their wallets. And you know what that means? Less beer! Oh the humanity!

Hispanics Drinking Less Beer? This is Worse Than the Time I Dated a Girl With a Conjoined Twin!

According to Constellation's CEO Bill Newlands (sounds like a euphemism doesn't it?) about half of their beer sales come from our amigos south of the border or well their descendants here. Apparently they're worried about job losses and the whole immigration situation. So instead of kicking back with a cold one they're cutting back on spending. First they came for the beer and I did not speak out—because I was too busy uh well you know... Giggity.

No More Fiestas? Giggity! I Mean Oh No!

Newlands (still chuckling at that name) says Hispanics are also cutting back on restaurants clothing and travel. "Beer is quite a ways down the list but it's certainly on the list because things like social gatherings an area where the Hispanic consumer often consumes beer are declining today," he whined. Social gatherings declining? Sounds like fewer opportunities for yours truly to spread the Quagmire love. This is a national emergency!

Tariffs? More Like Terrifying!

And it's not just the immigration stuff. Trump's tariffs on Mexican imports are also hitting Constellation hard. Their canned beer is getting slapped with aluminum tariffs. It is a pain in the butt! All these factors led to a weaker than expected outlook for the company. Someone get me a beer I need to drown my sorrows... and maybe find a nice senorita to share it with. Giggity!

Silver Linings? More Like Silver Haired Ladies!

Now it's not all doom and gloom. Constellation's earnings were better than expected and they're dumping their cheap wines to focus on the fancy stuff. Maybe they'll start making a 'Quagmire' brand wine? I'd drink to that! And probably hit on the bottle... because you know Quagmire.

The Stock Market's a Bitch! Giggity!

The stock market dipped slightly after this news but it's been in a freefall since Trump's election. Someone tell him to chill out on the tariffs so I can get back to enjoying my beer in peace! This is almost as bad as the time I accidentally joined a nudist colony... almost. Giggity!