Global Payments Just Did WHAT?! You Won't Believe It!

Giggity! Global Payments Makes a Move!

Well hello there! It's your pal Glenn Quagmire here to tell you about the latest financial escapade that's got Wall Street hotter than a Quahog summer. Global Payments those financial fellas decided to play a little game of 'buy sell trade' that's left everyone scratching their heads. They're buying Worldpay for a cool $24 billion AND selling their Issuer Solutions business. Giggity! Sounds like someone's been hitting the sauce a little too hard.

Worldpay? More Like World Playboy!

So Global Payments is snagging Worldpay a company FIS used to own. Apparently this gives them access to over 6 million customers in 175 countries and $3.7 trillion in annual payments! That's a lot of clams! I could buy a whole lotta dates with that kind of cash and maybe even a lifetime supply of my favorite magazine. But is it worth it? That's what everyone's asking... and what I'm asking the ladies tonight. Giggity!

Selling Out? Not on My Watch!

On the flip side they're dumping their Issuer Solutions unit to FIS for $13.5 billion. This is the back end financial processing part of their business. Think of it as selling your slightly used speedboat to buy a bigger flashier one. Is it a smart move? Your guess is as good as mine! All I know is I wouldn't sell my speed boat... unless of course a hotter model came along. Giggity!

Wall Street Throws Shade

Turns out Wall Street ain't too happy with this news. Mizuho (whoever that is) thinks it's a "strategic step backward." Ouch! They're saying FIS is the real winner here getting the "crown jewel" while Global Payments gets... well more of the same. It's like going to The Drunken Clam and ordering another beer when you could be scoring with a hot chick. Giggity... or not in this case!

Debt? Never Heard of Her!

Apparently Global Payments is taking on a ton of debt to make this happen like $7.7 billion of debt. Debt? What's that? Is that something you use to pick up chicks? Because if so sign me up! But seriously that's a lot of dough. I hope they know what they're doing or they might end up singing the "Shipoopi" song for a bunch of creditors. Uh oh better start working on my tap dancing skills.

Giggity Goes Global?

So what's the takeaway? Global Payments is betting big on becoming a payment processing powerhouse. Will it work? Only time will tell. In the meantime I'll be here ready to offer my expert financial advice... and maybe a date or two. Giggity! And remember kids always invest responsibly... and always wear protection. Quagmire out!