Giggity! Oracle's Cloud Deal Makes It Rain... Money!

Holy Schnikey! Oracle's Makin' Bank!

Alright fellas Quagmire here reporting live from the world of... finance? Yeah I know sounds boring but trust me there's always a way to make things interesting. Oracle you know the tech company that probably keeps track of your internet searches (giggity!) just landed a cloud deal so big it's like finding a Victoria's Secret model at a Star Trek convention. Their shares are up more than 5%! That’s like finding a… well you get the idea it's fantastic!

Safra Catz? More Like Safra 'Cash'!

Apparently their CEO this lady named Safra Catz is gonna spill the beans at a company meeting. She's probably gonna be all serious and business like but I bet she's secretly doing the 'victory dance' like I do when... well never mind. Word on the street is this deal is gonna bring in over $30 billion a year starting in 2028. That’s a lot of dates… I mean dollars!

MultiCloud? Sounds Like a Party!

Ms. Catz is expected to say "Oracle is off to a strong start in FY26," according to the filing. "Our MultiCloud database revenue continues to grow at over 100% and we signed multiple large cloud services agreements including one that is expected to contribute more than $30 billion in annual revenue starting in FY28." MultiCloud you say? Sounds like a party where everyone brings their own uh *assets*. Giggity!

No Immediate Gratification? Bummer!

Now before you go investing all your beer money in Oracle stock here's the catch: this deal doesn't affect their 2026 numbers. So it's a long term play like waiting for a date to finally…you know. But hey good things come to those who wait right?

AI: Artificial...Insemination? Not Quite But Close!

Oracle's been riding the AI wave too. They're teaming up with OpenAI and SoftBank to build AI infrastructure. Which is cool but i prefer Natural intelligence. They're also working with the United Arab Emirates and IBM on AI stuff. All this AI talk makes me think of a robot girlfriend. Maybe one that doesn't mind my…enthusiasm. Giggity giggity goo!

Oracle's Hot Streak: Better Than a Night with Pamela Anderson!

Shares have jumped more than 33% this year. That's like finding a winning lottery ticket stuffed in your…never mind. They even had their best week since 2001! That's like a lifetime ago! I bet even Peter Griffin is impressed and he's easily distracted by shiny objects and…well everything. Giggity!