Giggity! Is This the End of the Stock Market Blues!?

Hot Stocks and Hotter Tips: Cramer's On the Case!

Alright fellas! Quagmire here your resident expert on… well everything including this stock market hullabaloo! Seems this Jim Cramer guy at CNBC is saying the recent surge in stocks might actually be the real deal! Giggity! He's sniffing around for signs that this isn't just another flash in the pan. He says everyone's skeptical like my chances of scoring a date with Mila Kunis but Cramer’s got a nose for this sort of thing like I got a nose for… well you know.

Trump Card: Will the Prez Pump Up the Market?

Now apparently President Trump is playing a role too! Who knew? He said he ain’t firing that Jerome Powell dude from the Federal Reserve and that’s supposed to make the stocks go… *up*! It's like when I tell a woman I'm a doctor – the chances of… well you know go up! As Cramer says 'When you get this kind of rally it doesn't happen because someone gave you the green light to start buying.' It's all about timing baby! Just like my… oh never mind!

Depression Era Dow: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist!

Cramer’s also saying that everyone's freaking out about the Dow having a terrible April like it's 1932. But he’s like hold your horses! That was actually a turning point the bottom of the barrel! So it's like when I hit rock bottom after that weekend with the Swedish twins and… well you get the picture. Things can only go up from there! Giggity!

Trade Winds and Tariff Tantrums!

Trade negotiations could be the key apparently. If Trump can get one country to bend to his will and bring manufacturing back to the US like getting chicks to come back to my place after I say I own a yacht then the whole market could turn around. A deal with China would be huge! But Cramer warns Trump to be nice! Play it cool like I do. Yeah right! Like I'd ever be nice… unless… well you know Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!

Oil Slick or Sweet Relief?

And get this if oil prices keep dropping that could also help! It's like finding a twenty in your old jeans – unexpected bonus! Cheap oil could make the Federal Reserve cut interest rates which is like giving a woman flowers! It always helps to seal the deal... you know what I mean fellas.

IPOs and Mergers: Sounds Like My Dating Life!

Other good signs? Soft economic data (whatever that means) and more initial public offerings and mergers by corporations. Sounds like my dating life: always looking for the next big thing and trying to merge with someone… preferably someone hot! So Cramer says the odds of everything going wrong are low. Sooner or later someone's gotta blink and when that happens we're gonna be in much better shape! Now if you'll excuse me I see a lady I need to introduce myself to. Giggity!