Giggity Giggity Gold! Why Everyone's Suddenly Wearing Bling
Alright fellas Quagmire here! So gold huh? It's like that one girl at the Clam who suddenly got hot – everyone's all over it! Apparently with all this talk of trade wars and recessions folks are running to gold like Peter runs from responsibility. Prices are higher than my chances on prom night! But is it worth it? Let's find out... Giggity!
Tariff Tantrums and the Golden Goose: A Love Story
So this Trump guy (you know he kinda reminds me of Mort Goldman if Mort suddenly had a spray tan and a Twitter addiction) put some tariffs on China and now it's a trade war! It's like the time I tried to compete with Joe's Pizzeria – a total disaster! Anyway gold prices are popping like Lois when she sees Brian's credit card bill. We're talking a 21% jump this year alone! That's almost as impressive as my collection of... uh... vintage magazines.
Expert Opinions: Hot or Not?
Some fancy pants analysts are saying we might be too late to the party. Apparently buying gold now is like showing up to a lingerie football game in December – a little chilly! But others are saying there's still room to run. It's like when Bonnie says she's not interested but I see that little twinkle in her eye... Giggity! So who do you believe?
Gold ETFs: The Condoms of Investing
Apparently buying actual gold bars is for paranoid survivalists who think the world is ending. Instead these "experts" (probably all virgins if you ask me) recommend buying gold ETFs. It's like using a condom – safe reliable but not nearly as fun as going raw... with your investments of course! They're saying to keep gold exposure to just a tiny bit of your portfolio – about 3%. That's like telling me to only wink at three girls a day! Impossible!
Physical Gold: For the Man Who Has Everything (Except a Panic Room)
Now if you're REALLY worried about the world going to hell in a handbasket you can buy actual gold bars and coins. It's like having a stash of emergency porn – you hope you never need it but it's good to know it's there. Costco is even selling gold bars now! Talk about a bargain baby! But remember you'll need a place to store it. Might I suggest... my place? Giggity!
Jewelry: Shiny Sparkly and Potentially Recession Proof!
Okay this is where things get interesting. Apparently high quality jewelry is "recession proof." It's like Lois's nagging – it never goes away no matter what the economy's doing! So if you're going to splurge make sure it's something fancy and sparkly from Cartier or Tiffany's. That way even if the world ends you'll still look fabulous while bartering for canned goods... with me of course. Giggity!
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kydd37
Giggity! This is the best financial advice I've ever read!
sade88
This is way more entertaining than those boring financial analysts.
tomedmond50
I wonder if Quagmire has a gold-plated... never mind.
chrisojeda
Quagmire for President! He knows what's up.
maz7265
So, the moral of the story is: buy gold, wink at girls, and giggity?
marjorie
I'm going all in on gold jewelry! Thanks, Glen!
rdjlarso
This article is the reason I love the internet.
drknlvly6781
I'm buying all the gold at Costco! Thanks for the tip!