Student Loan Crisis Reaches Ludicrous Speed! Will Doge Save Us?

Reality Check: We're Not Living in a Simulation (Probably)

Okay buckle up buttercups. Apparently the U.S. Department of Education is back on the student loan collection train. Just when we thought things couldn't get weirder than sending a Roadster to space we're hitting peak absurdity. High school seniors are about to dive headfirst into the debt pool and it's deeper than my Twitter feed on a slow day. Are we living in a simulation? It feels like it sometimes.

42 Million Reasons Why College Ain't Cheap

Forty two million Americans are currently wrestling with federal student loans. That's a lot of people. And more than a million fresh faced grads are about to join the party borrowing an average of $40,000 each to chase that elusive bachelor's degree. Up from $37,000 the year before! At this rate we'll all need neural links just to keep track of the interest rates. This is financial engineering at its finest... or worst depending on your perspective.

Forgiveness? More Like 'For Get About It!'

Despite some valiant yet ultimately futile attempts at student loan forgiveness the overall debt is still climbing faster than a Falcon 9. It's like trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon. Michele Zampini from The Institute for College Access & Success says we can't get our 'arms around the college affordability problem.' Sounds like a job for a giant robot arm if you ask me. Maybe Optimus Prime is available?

Tuition Inflation: To the Moon! (But Not in a Good Way)

College tuition has been increasing at a rate of 5.6% annually since 1983! That's insane. It's outpacing inflation and making a Tesla seem like a bargain. Families are now shouldering almost half the cost of college up from 38% a decade ago. Something's gotta give and I suspect it won't be the price of avocado toast. It is always the avocado toast...

The Nonprofit That's Actually for Profit

U.S. Secretary of Education Linda McMahon pointed out that some colleges are making 'empty promises' while lining their pockets with loan dollars. They're calling themselves nonprofits but acting like for profit entities. Basically they are using the federal subsidy of loans hiking tuition and piling up multibillion dollar endowments while students graduate six figures in the red. I call shenanigans! This is why we need a meme based currency like Dogecoin to disrupt higher education! (Okay maybe not but it sounds good right?).

The Only Solution Is More Dogecoin... Wait No!

Deep cuts in state funding have pushed more of the costs of college onto students. Tuition now accounts for half of college revenue while state and local governments used to pick up most of the tab. As Zampini says there hasn't been a 'good faith effort to work through that comprehensive problem.' Instead there's been an attack strategy on higher education. Perhaps we should colonize Mars and start a university there. Zero tuition just hard work and spacesuits! Think of the possibilities... Or maybe it really is more Dogecoin? I'm just spitballing here.