These Companies Are Screaming, And Not In A Good Way: A Ripley Report

Palantir's Profit Predicament: Not Quite a Facehugger But Close

Alright people listen up. Palantir sounds like something out of a bad fantasy flick right? Well their shares tanked almost 14%. They beat revenue expectations but earnings? Just 'in line.' It's like facing a Xenomorph and only getting a scratch. Not deadly but definitely not good for morale.

Ford's First Quarter: More Like a Nostromo Shuttle Than a Mustang

Ford on the other hand managed a little boost. Up 3.2% after a decent first quarter. Adjusted earnings beat expectations. Still they suspended their 2025 guidance citing supply chain risks. Sounds like someone's been watching too many disaster movies. 'I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.'

Upwork's Uprising: Taking Flight or Just a False Alarm?

Upwork jumped 19%. Beat earnings beat revenue raised their guidance. Good for them. But in my experience things that look too good to be true usually are. Keep your pulse rifles handy.

Tesla's Tailspin: Electric Dreams Hitting a Wall

Tesla slipped 2%. Car sales plummeting in the UK and Germany. Even if electric vehicle demand is still rising those sales figures aren't pretty. They need to get it together or they'll be facing a serious outbreak. Just sayin'.

Telehealth and Takeovers: Hims & Hers and DoorDash Do the Dance

Hims & Hers Health jumped 10.4% after beating both revenue and earnings estimates but they guided lower revenue for their second quarter. Up and down like a rollercoaster! DoorDash... well DoorDash dropped almost 7%. Revenue missed expectations and they’re buying SevenRooms. Looks like they are trying to cover all bases to avoid extinction. Smart. Smart like a Xenomorph!

The Rest of the Pack: From Biotech Booms to Bleach Busts

Neurocrine Biosciences is up. Vertex Pharmaceuticals is down. Clorox? Down. Seems people aren't as interested in bleach as they used to be. And the rest? Well I have seen worse but I have also seen better. Remember in space no one can hear you scream. But on Wall Street? Everyone can especially when the numbers look like a Xenomorph got to them first. Stay frosty people.