Another Day, Another Dollar...and Tariffs? Ripley's Guide to the Fed's Fiscal Frights

Can Anyone Hear Me? The Fed's SOS

Alright people listen up. Seems like our friends at the Federal Reserve had themselves a real party earlier this month. A party of anxiety that is. Apparently these tariffs are throwing a wrench into their whole 'keep the economy smooth' operation. They're worried about inflation which let me tell you is about as pleasant as a chestburster surprise. And they're stuck trying to figure out what to do with those interest rates. 'Uncertainty about the economic outlook has increased further,' they said. Well duh. You don't need a flamethrower to see that something's burning. The only question is can they stomp it out before it turns into a full blown Xenomorph outbreak?

Growth? Employment? Sounds Like Corporate Bullshit

So the suits at the Fed are saying the economy is 'solid' and the labor market is 'broadly in balance.' Oh really? Remind me again why I'm always fighting for survival in this galaxy. Sounds like the same corporate BS that Burke used to spew before sending us all to our doom. They admit the risks are growing though. Like maybe we should just nuke the whole site from orbit? It's the only way to be sure. Honestly these guys are about as useful as an ash tray on a motorcycle.

Waiting Game: Hope They Brought Snacks

Since their last cut way back in December the Fed's just sitting on their hands keeping interest rates steady. They're waiting for 'more clarity.' Clarity? In this galaxy? Good luck with that. It's like waiting for a Xenomorph to politely knock on the airlock before ripping your face off. In the meantime they're 'well positioned.' Which is exactly what they said before Hicks got acid for blood. So pardon me if I don't exactly trust their 'position.'

Political Games: Stay Frosty

Of course we've got Trump breathing down their necks to lower rates. But Fed Chair Powell to his credit is saying they won't be swayed. Good for him. Last thing we need is some politician making economic decisions. We're already fighting aliens we don't need a power hungry politician on top of that. But you can bet that something that can’t be bargained with can’t be reasoned with that doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear is going to get him and those at the Fed too. Stay frosty people.

Inflation Target: Keep Your Eye on the Prize

They're yakking about their 'flexible average inflation targeting' and how it 'has diminished benefits' with all these economic shocks. Translation? Their fancy plan ain't working. They let inflation run wild after the pandemic and now they're scrambling. Meanwhile they claim they're not changing their inflation goal. Right. Just like Weyland Yutani swore they had no idea about the Xenomorphs. Sure.

Robust to a Wide Variety of Economic Environments: More Like Robust to an Alien Queen

The Fed wants a policy that's 'robust to a wide variety of economic environments.' You know what else is robust? A Xenomorph. Maybe they should study those things. At least then they'd have a chance of surviving this mess. And maybe just maybe we can avoid another LV 426 situation. Because let me tell you no one wants to go through that again. Especially me.