Another Day, Another Deal: Trump Touts Trade, Wall Street Holds Its Breath

Wake Up Wall Street... Can't You See Anything?

So Wall Street's feeling all peppy this morning huh? Stock futures are bouncing higher than a Facehugger on a mission after that tangerine toned President Trump started yapping about a trade agreement with the UK. 'The first of many,' he says. Yeah right. Just like Burke promised we'd all get rich off LV 426. Remember how that turned out? Let's just say I’ve seen better deals in the mess hall of a derelict space freighter. And a messier outcome...

The Fine Print? What Fine Print?

Apparently nobody knows what this agreement actually *is*. But according to some guy named Adam Crisafulli the 'hope' is that it's the start of a whole bunch of announcements. Hope? That's cute. Hope doesn't get you through a Xenomorph infestation and it sure as hell doesn't guarantee a stable stock market. I swear these analysts live in a dream world. Probably haven't seen anything real scary in their lives.

Tariff Tango: One Step Forward Two Steps Back

Remember when Trump slapped those tariffs on imports back in April? The S&P 500 took a dive faster than I took a dive into that garbage chute to escape the Alien Queen. Then things kinda recovered some charges got suspended and the Street started daydreaming about easy tariff moves. Classic. They erase all their post 'liberation day' losses as they like to call it. They clearly weren't in the colonies when the xenomorphs emancipated everyone.

Thirteen Percent? Big Deal.

Okay so the S&P 500 is up 13% since April 8th. Good for them. I've seen numbers that look a lot better like the odds of making it through a drop ship landing without puking my guts out. Still doesn't mean I'm ready to crack open the synthahol and celebrate. Gotta keep those expectations lower than the atmospheric pressure on Hadley's Hope you know?

Cautious Optimism? More Like Mild Paranoia.

Crisafulli (again with this guy) says investors need to 'keep their enthusiasm in check.' He's got that right more or less. If you see something say something. That's my philosophy. There are US and Chinese officials yakking it up in Switzerland this weekend. Depending on how that goes stocks could either see more gains or we revisit the lows. My advice? Pack a pulse rifle and prepare for anything. Or you know sell high and run like a smart merchant.

Mining for Miracles: RBC's Fertilizer Fantasy

And now RBC is upgrading some company called Mosaic because they mine phosphate and potash. Used in fertilizers. Apparently this bank thinks Mosaic is gonna have some miraculous turnaround. Call me when they start mining something that actually matters. Like say the crashed alien spaceship. Then we'll talk. But I guess even if things go sideways it's not like the market can be any more alien than it already is.