Another Day, Another Apocalypse (in the Stock Market): Ripley's Top 10 Survival Tips

Meta morphosis: Still Hugging Faces Still Making Bank

Alright people listen up! Meta's raking in the credits like it's Black Friday at Weyland Yutani. Three billion users a day? That's a lotta faces. But let's be real are we sure this isn't just Skynet warming up? Ad revenue's booming but I've seen enough to know that when things look too good to be true there's usually a Xenomorph lurking around the corner. Shares up 6%? Don't get cocky.

Microsoft: Azure's Screaming 'She's Gonna Blow!'

Microsoft's Azure is apparently growing faster than a chestburster in hypersleep. Shares up nearly 9%? Capex unchanged? It's like watching the Nostromo's self destruct sequence in slow motion. I’m telling you these tech giants… they’re like the Company. They’ll promise you the moon but all you’ll get is a facehugger.

Coffee Catastrophe: Starbucks Brews Up Trouble

Starbucks is having a bad brew day huh? Price targets getting slashed like a Xenomorph's claws. New CEO's turnaround plan showing 'progress'? Progress towards what? Corporate oblivion? Last time I heard 'turnaround' it was Bishop telling me he fixed himself after getting ripped in half. Didn't inspire much confidence then either.

Robinhood: The Brokers Beware

Robinhood's muscling in on the established brokers' turf. IRAs credit cards options futures… sounds like they're prepping for a full scale market war. JPMorgan says their Q1 beat was 'somewhat low quality'? Well I've seen low quality. This is a different story. Remember in space no one can hear you trade.

CVS: The Pharmacy Chain's Got Its Act Together

CVS is consolidating? Sounds like they're building a fortress just like the colonists did on LV 426. Revenue and profit up guidance hiked? Good for them. Maybe they can sell us some pulse rifles over the counter next time.

Musk terious Exit? Tesla's Boardroom Buzz

Tesla's playing the 'Will he stay or will he go?' game with Elon Musk. Did they hire a search firm? Didn't they? Shares down then up? This is the kind of chaos that makes me want to strap on a power loader and go for a joyride. Let's face it replacing Musk is like trying to replace the pilot in a plummeting spaceship mid flight. Good luck with that folks.