Aw, Phooey! Homeland Security's Giving Away MY Money?! $1000 to Go Home?!

What in the Name of Uncle Scrooge's Money Bin?!

Aw phooey! I just heard the news and it's enough to make any duck lose his feathers! The Department of Homeland Security – those guys who are supposed to keep the bad guys out – are now PAYING folks to leave! Can you believe it? A whole $1,000 stipend plus travel assistance to immigrants without authorization if they volunteer to go back where they came from. What a world eh? What a world!

Self Deportation? Sounds Like a Job for Gyro Gearloose!

Apparently this whole thing is being called 'self deportation.' Sounds like something Gyro Gearloose would invent! Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem – she sounds serious alright – says it's the 'best safest and most cost effective' way for these folks to leave. She even used that Trump guy's word to describe this. Best way? I dunno. I think a good old fashioned paddle steamer would be more fun personally!

Saving Taxpayer Dollars? Or Just Throwing Money Down a Well?

Noem is QUOTING that it costs $17,121 to arrest detain and remove someone. So giving them $1,000 to leave seems like a bargain right? She even says this plan represents a '70% savings for US taxpayers.' According to the DHS at least. But will it really work? Or is this just another way for my hard earned money to disappear faster than a free lunch at Gladstone Gander's house?

The CBP 'Home' App: Your Ticket Outta Here!

To get the money these folks have to use the U.S. Customs and Border Protection's 'Home' app. Seriously? An app? It used to be for asylum seekers but now it's a one way ticket outta here! They only get the $1,000 *after* they land back home! It's like a loyalty program for leaving. Does this mean I can get 10% off if I self deport to Duckburg?

Keep the Door Open? What is This a Revolving Door Policy?!

Here's the real kicker: if you sign up for this departure program you get moved to the back of the line for getting arrested and sent home as long as you seem to be actually leaving. And! Get this! It might even 'keep the door open for legal immigration' later on! So you get paid to leave AND you might be able to come back legally later? I'm so confused I could faint!

One Down A Million to Go! (Or Quack?)

The DHS says one person already took the deal leaving Chicago for Honduras. One whole person! At this rate it'll take longer than it takes me to pay off my debts to Uncle Scrooge to clear everyone out! Aw what's the use? As they say around here 'I'm so mad I could spit!'