Eat My Shorts, Wall Street! Meta's Makin' Bank (Again!)

Cowabunga Numbers Dude!

Ay caramba! Guess who's laughing all the way to the bank? Meta that's who! Turns out people can't get enough of posting selfies and arguing with strangers online. They totally crushed Wall Street's expectations like Milhouse trying to bench press a feather. Earnings per share? $6.43! Revenue? A whopping $42.31 billion! Looks like someone's been raiding the cookie jar – and not just for cookies!

Profit? I Didn't Do It!

So the first quarter sales jumped like Bart on a trampoline and net income went up too! Meta's predicting even more moolah in the next quarter. But uh oh finance lady Susan Li said something about 'reduced ad spend from Asia e commerce exporters'. Probably just means fewer ads for stuff I don't need like broccoli flavored toothpaste. But hey who needs that crud anyway?!

Zuckerberg's Got a Plan (Maybe?)

Zuckerberg himself chimed in saying they're 'well positioned to navigate the macroeconomic uncertainty'. Sounds like something Principal Skinner would say before getting pranked with itching powder. He is probably cooking up some new scheme to keep us glued to our screens. Probably something involving even more cat videos. D'oh!

Reality Labs: Still Lost in the Metaverse

Okay here's the sad trombone part. That Reality Labs thingy where they're trying to get us all to live in a virtual world? Still losing money. Big time! Like $4.2 billion in the hole. But hey at least it's less than the $4.6 billion Wall Street expected. Maybe they should just stick to what they're good at: selling ads and collecting our personal data. Heh heh!

Threads: Still Hangin' On

Turns out that Threads thingy the one that's kinda like Twitter but with more…Meta? It's got 350 million monthly users. Not bad I guess. But Meta themselves are saying that it won't bring meaningful revenue in 2025. Probably because everyone's too busy trying to figure out what it is exactly. Maybe I should start a prank account and see if I can get away with saying 'I didn't do it!' on there.

Meta AI: The Next Frontier?

Zuckerberg's all hyped up about his Meta AI thing. Almost a billion people are using it mostly through WhatsApp. He's even dreaming about ads and premium versions! Sounds like a recipe for Skynet to me. But hey maybe it'll be able to do my homework for me. Now that's a premium service I'd pay for!