Eat My Shorts, Wall Street! Bart Simpson's Guide to Stocks That Don't Suck (So Bad)

Dell icious AI Servers: More Bytes Than Krusty Burgers!

Morgan Stanley's all like 'Dell's gonna be HUGE!' They're saying Dell's AI servers are the real deal and even Marge could understand that more data equals more money. I'm thinking maybe I can use these servers to hack Principal Skinner's email and find out where he hides the good donuts. Cowabunga!

Western Alliance: Not Just Another Lemon Tree!

Jefferies is throwing money at Western Alliance saying they've got 'robust growth.' Sounds like something Dr. Hibbert would diagnose. But hey if it means less time doing homework and more time skateboarding I'm in! Maybe I can convince Milhouse to invest his lunch money.

Home Depot: From 'Doh!' to 'Do It Yourself!'

Stifel upgraded Home Depot saying they're gonna cash in on the home improvement craze. I bet Homer's thrilled. More power tools for him to almost destroy the house with. At least we'll have a good laugh...and maybe a new roof. Don't have a cow man!

UnitedHealth: Policy Overhang? Sounds Like a Bad Hairpiece!

HSBC downgraded UnitedHealth complaining about 'policy overhang' and Medicare fraud. Sounds boring even for Lisa. Maybe they should just prescribe everyone a Butterfinger and call it a day. Eat my shorts health insurance!

Nvidia: Buy This Stock Man!

Loop is sticking with Nvidia like glue even before their earnings report comes out next week. If the article writer likes it I love it. They think Nvidia's gonna keep raking in the dough. Sounds like a good time to buy some and party party party!

AutoZone: Ka Chow!

Bank of America is all revved up about AutoZone claiming it's 'recession resilient.' That means even when the economy's doing a faceplant people will still need to fix their jalopies. Maybe I should invest my allowance so I can finally afford that souped up skateboard. Aye Caramba!