Eat My Shorts, Putin! NATO's Crankin' Up the Krusty Bucks!

The 'United' Federation of... uh... NATO!

Hey what's crack a lackin' dudes and dudettes! Bart Simpson here reporting live from… well my treehouse. But I'm talkin' 'bout serious bizness! NATO – you know the North Atlantic Treaty Organization – just pulled a major power up! They're all holdin' hands and singin' 'Kumbaya'… or somethin'. Basically they said they're “united in the face of profound security threats and challenges.” Which is just a fancy way of sayin' they're scared of Russia and those pesky terrorists. I say tough tarts!

From 2% to... Whoa Mama!

Get this: For years they were slacking with just 2% of their GDP goin' to defense. Lame! But now? They're crankin' it up to a whopping 5% by 2035! That's like goin' from a pea shooter to a freakin' tank man! Sideshow Bob wouldn't stand a chance! I sure wouldn't want to me Homer facing those terrorists.

Blame it on Trumpy!

Apparently some dude named Donald Trump (I think I saw him on TV once yellin' about walls) been buggin' 'em for ages to spend more dough on bombs and stuff. So they finally caved! All those years of Trump makin' a fuss paid off huh? Kinda like when I finally convinced Homer to buy me that skateboard… after like a million years. But unlike my skateboard this is a big deal so I don't go launching off buildings with the intent of breaking an arm.

Russia? More Like RUSS IA LATER!

So why all the sudden Krusty Krab loads of cash? Well they're pointin' fingers at Russia. Apparently Putin's makin' them nervous with his whole war thingy in Ukraine. They're also worried about the 'persistent threat' of terrorism. Those guys are always bringin' the mood down.

5% of GDP? That's Like a Gazillion Donuts!

They're callin' it a 'historic move.' I'm callin' it a chance to buy a whole lotta fireworks! Seriously 5% of GDP? That's gotta be enough to buy every single donut in Springfield… twice! This is probably why the government hasn't bothered fixing the public schools. They're too busy buying tanks!

Breaking News! Or Breakin' Hearts?

This is breakin' news which means it's probably gonna change a million times before lunchtime. But hey at least we know NATO's serious about defendin'… whatever it is they're defendin'. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go practice my slingshot skills. You never know when those Russians might show up in Springfield! Ay caramba!