Eat My Shorts, Market Value! Teladoc Buys UpLift to Fix BetterHelp!

Ay Caramba! Another Day Another Deal!

What's the deal man? Teladoc that virtual doc in a box place just bought UpLift for a cool $30 million! Seems like their BetterHelp gig is kinda like Milhouse trying to impress Lisa a total fail. Apparently BetterHelp's revenue took a nosedive down 10% to $250 million. Ouch! They're hoping UpLift who does the whole therapy and meds thing online can give BetterHelp a much needed wedgie and turn things around.

BetterHelp? More Like 'NeedsHelp'!

So this BetterHelp president dude Fernando Madeira is all like 'We're gonna make mental health super accessible!' Which is cool I guess if you're not stuck in Springfield Elementary listening to Mrs. Krabappel drone on about the Magna Carta. Teladoc thinks UpLift will help them reach more folks and get this actually make some money! I mean who knew?!

Shares Shmare! Stock Goes Down the Toilet!

Of course after the announcement Teladoc's stock went south faster than Principal Skinner running from Superintendent Chalmers. Down 2%! Doh! They also announced some other boring stuff about revenue being down and losing a bunch of money. Sounds like someone needs a Krusty Burger and a good laugh... or maybe a mental health day!

Catapult This! Another Buyout?

But wait there's more! Before they snagged UpLift they grabbed some wellness company called Catapult Health for $65 million. It's like they're playing corporate Monopoly but instead of Boardwalk and Park Place they're buying companies nobody's ever heard of. Maybe they should try buying Moe's Tavern. Now that's a business I could get behind!

From $37 Billion to Pocket Change?

This Chuck Divita dude the CEO is trying to fix the mess. Apparently they bought some other company back in 2020 for a gazillion dollars and now it's worth about as much as my allowance. The stock has dropped like me trying to skateboard down Evergreen Terrace. Cowabunga... NOT!

Eat My Shorts Market Value!

So Teladoc is betting big on these buyouts to pull them out of the ditch. Will it work? Who knows! But if it doesn't maybe they can sell the company to Mr. Burns. He'd probably turn it into a radioactive power plant anyway. Excellent!