Eat My Shorts, Economy! Trump Tariffs to Empty Store Shelves, Predicts Recession!

Tariffs? More Like Terrible iffs!

Hey what's up dudes and dudettes! Bart Simpson here your favorite expert on everything that's totally bogus. And lemme tell ya this whole tariff thing? Majorly bogus! Some brainiacs over at Apollo Global Management are saying that Trump's tariffs are gonna turn our shopping trips into a real life Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. I'm talking empty shelves man! Empty like Milhouse's head after a math test.

From China With… Nothing?

So apparently these tariffs are like taxes on stuff coming from China. And China is where we get all the good stuff like fireworks gag gifts and stuff to prank Principal Skinner with. But now these shipping containers are slowing down faster than Homer at a salad bar. By next month the store shelves will be as bare as my conscience after a good prank.

Trucking Trouble? Don't Have a Cow Man!

The story goes that once the boats stop comin' the trucks stop truckin'. And when the trucks stop truckin' you know what that means? No more Buzz Cola! No more Krusty Burgers! This is worse than the time I had to eat broccoli! And that's not all even worse than the shortages people in trucking and retail might lose their jobs and that's a real bummer man.

Recession? Cowabunga… NOT!

By summer 2025 these Apollo guys are saying we're gonna be in a full blown recession. Recession! Sounds like a really bad episode of Itchy & Scratchy! And if you think things are gonna get better later think again! The US imported almost $439 Billion in goods from China in 2024! How are we gonna buy anything from the Kwik E Mart if we're all broke?! Ay caramba!

Blame Game: Eat My Shorts Washington!

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is saying this whole tariff thing is "unsustainable." Well duh! Even I could've figured that out! It's like putting ketchup on ice cream. Just wrong! And now levies on goods from China are subject to 145% rate. Why don't we just start printing our own money huh? Oh wait we already do that!

Hope? Don't Have a Cow Man! I Mean… Maybe Have a Cow Man!

Some people are saying things aren't as bad as they seem. Some analyst named Aneesha Sherman said "Don't expect empty shelves yet." Well I hope she's right! I need my comic books and my slingshot ammo! But even if she is it's still a real possibility things go south. And that's not something to scream "Cowabunga!" about.