Eat My Shorts, China! Trump Wants to Mine All the Rocks!

D'oh! We Need Rocks!

Ay caramba! So this dude Secretary Burgum is saying we gotta start digging up our own rocks 'cause China's been hogging them all. Apparently China's been dumping all these minerals making it super hard for American companies to compete. It's like when Milhouse tries to sell his comic books but Martin Prince has way more and sells them for like a nickel. Total bummer!

Sovereign... What Now?

Burgum wants the U.S. to have a 'sovereign wealth fund' or something like that to invest in these mining companies. He's all 'Why can't the richest country have the biggest fund?' I dunno maybe 'cause we're too busy buying Krusty Burgers and Squishees? But hey if it means less China I'm in! As long as I get a cut for my slingshot ammo.

Rare Earths? Sounds Like Comic Book Material!

Apparently China's being a real Nelson Muntz and imposing export controls on 'rare earth elements.' These are used in like everything from defense stuff to cars. The U.S. imported 80% of these rare earths in 2024! That's like Skinner realizing he's out of pudding! Total code red!

Mine Baby Mine!

Burgum's got this slogan: 'It's not just drill baby drill. It's mine baby mine!' Sounds like something Otto would yell while driving the school bus off a cliff. But he's right we need to get back in the game! Or else we'll be at the mercy of China. Nobody wants that except maybe Mr. Burns. Excellent...

Insurance for Rock Diggers?

So Trump's people are thinking about an 'insurance fund' so that if some future president decides to cancel a mining project the companies get paid back. It's like getting insurance for your skateboard so if Milhouse breaks it you get a new one! Smart right?

Stockpile Like a Squirrel!

Burgum wants to stockpile these minerals like a squirrel with acorns. When China tries to dump minerals and lower the prices we buy them all up! That way we're not stuck begging them for rocks. This is all kinda boring but if it means I can still get my video games I guess I'm all for it. Don't have a cow man!