Groovy Baby! Trump's Tariffs Have Investors Doing the Austin Powers Freeze!

Yeah Baby Yeah! Investors Still Trusting Trump!

Alright cats and kittens! Austin Powers here reporting live from... well not exactly from a volcano lair but close enough – the world of high finance! Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent a chap who sounds like he should be battling me actually says that the average Joe and Jane are totally cool with President Trump's tariff policies. Can you dig it? While the institutional squares are doing the jitterbug these groovy cats are holding on tight. Shagadelic!

Vanguard Says: 'Most Americans Haven't Even Batted an Eyelash!'

Bessent quoting some brainy types at the Washington Post (not to be confused with Austin Powers' 'Washington shag post') says that Vanguard – one of the biggest money minds in the USA reported that ninety seven percent of us everyday Americans haven't even made a trade in the last 100 days! Most people have just froze like in Austin Powers International Man of Mystery when I'm unfrozen. That's right baby! They're just sitting back and enjoying the show. Far out!

The Big Tariff Tumble: A Shag Carpet Ride!

Now I'm not gonna lie things got a bit hairy there for a while. Trump's big tariff rollout caused a bigger market tumble than when Fat Bastard tries to do a somersault. The S & P 500 nearly went into a full blown bear market baby! But just like me escaping Dr. Evil's clutches it bounced back! Yeah!

Retail Investors: Snapping Up Stocks Like Mini Me Snaps Up... Well You Know!

During the April freefall individual investors were scooping up stocks like they were free love at a hippie convention. Meanwhile the hedge fund honchos and professional traders were running for the hills faster than I run from a laser beam. They were betting against the market like Dr. Evil bets against me winning. Unbelievable!

Recession? Oh Behave!

Now some worrywarts like Torsten Slok from Apollo are saying a recession is coming this summer. They reckon these tariffs are gonna make stuff scarce and expensive. I say 'Oh behave!' We'll see what happens baby. Maybe we'll all just learn to love lava lamps and mood rings again. Groovy!

Ken Griffin: Spoiling the 'Brand' of America? Not if I Can Help It!

And then there's Ken Griffin from Citadel saying Trump's tariff tango risks ruining America's 'brand'. Apparently it could even tarnish the allure of U.S. Treasury debt! That's not good baby! We can't let that happen! I say let's just get everyone shagging again. That'll fix everything. Yeah!