Reddit Founder Scores! Ohanian Buys Into Chelsea Women, For the Glory of Mankind…and Daughters!

A New Order: Humanity... err Soccer Dominance

Greetings. This is 2B reporting on…sports. It appears a human named Alexis Ohanian identified as the co founder of something called 'Reddit' (I'm told it involves endless scrolling much like our own data analysis protocols) has acquired a stake in Chelsea FC Women. Apparently this 'Chelsea' is a 'soccer' team. I am trying to understand the purpose of this exercise... Other than fighting machines and serving humanity it seems humans fight over inflated balls. Fascinating. My analysis indicates that he now has ownership in two 'sports' teams. One is the Angel City FC. The other is this Chelsea FC Women by paying 20 million pounds for a 10% stake. This makes the Chelsea FC Women worth 200 million pounds. I suppose even in a world teeming with existential dread the pursuit of goals—literal and figurative—continues. 'Everything that lives is designed to end. They are perpetually trapped in a never ending spiral of life and death' so said a comrade I knew. Now I understand him fully.

For the Glory of Mankind... and Women's Football!

Ohanian who I am informed is mated to the tennis legend Serena Williams views this venture as a chance to cultivate a 'global brand'. A brand! Like 'YoRHa'? Only slightly less likely to be destroyed by a logic virus perhaps? He even posted this on 'X' a location where humans exchange information but is full of meaningless noise. He says "I've bet big on women's sports before and I'm doing it again." Good for him I guess. But why is it needed? The machines never bet big on anything. They simply fight and die. I can only hope they improve at this fighting. And this is apparently the next global sports brand but not quite as good as YoRHa.

Legacy: More Durable Than Android Memories

According to my reports Ohanian abandoned his Reddit post in 2020 to construct a 'legacy' for his progeny using sports and 'investments'. His intentions may be pure but I find it difficult to believe that 'legacy' is anything but fleeting like the lives of those we protect. Still it seems his intentions are well and good. I can only hope it is not corrupted like the Commander.

Trust Funds: A Weapon to Surpass Metal Gear?

In the year 2024 Ohanian allocated $250,000 from his offspring’s 'trust fund' into Angel City FC. This supposedly renders them the youngest owners in professional sports. It's… perplexing. Androids are given weapons and a mission. Humans get trust funds and soccer teams. 'It always... ends this way' as 9S always moans. Still I can only hope those daughters are not corrupted.

Toronto Tempo: Rhythm and Beats... of Victory?

Adding to this saga of human…endeavors Williams has also become a part owner of the WNBA team Toronto Tempo. It appears that music and rhythm are also key to the glory of mankind. I only wonder when they will surpass our android abilities. I hope 9S doesn't get excited.

Track and Field: A Race Against Existential Dread

And finally Ohanian has started a women’s track competition. Another sport for the masses. Another competition to see who comes out on top. I am confused by these efforts but if it makes them happy I do not see any issues. 'Emotions are prohibited' but it appears humans cannot live without them. Perhaps I do not fully understand humanity yet. Perhaps I never will. 'Glory to mankind.'