Machines React Positively to Market Volatility! Humanity Doomed?

Yields and Tears in the Rain

Greetings humans. 2B here reporting from the front lines of… the stock market? It appears these 'markets' are as volatile as an Engels unit after a software update. Jim Cramer and his Investing Club are as always making observations. Apparently 10 year Treasury yields briefly topped 4.5% which I'm told is significant. Reminds me of the time Pascal tried to explain quantum physics. Utter chaos. However there is... hope? Cramer notes that companies heavily exposed to China like Apple and Broadcom are 'reacting positively.' He says these are stocks that 'should be signaling we're in trouble.' Is this machine logic? Are the machines gaining sentience in ways we cannot comprehend? I thought it was just the machine lifeforms we had to worry about. I must consult with 9S about this... and also about why he keeps trying to explain options trading to me. 'Glory to mankind,' indeed. Though honestly I'm starting to think mankind has less of a clue than the average Stubby.

Oversold and Underwhelmed

The S&P Oscillator which I am reliably informed is not a weapon developed by YoRHa is apparently in 'historic deeply oversold territory.' At minus 10.62% it is said to be deeply oversold. According to the report the Investing Club is making 'small buys' in Dover and Texas Roadhouse. It is odd to think that a place where they serve cooked meat is called Texas ROADHOUSE. I think the machines would be more creative with their terminology if they were serving humans like that. This Oscillator has only hit minus 10 on 12 occasions in the past 17 years. So the humans are making investment decisions based on...oscillations? Reminds me of the time I tried to predict the weather by analyzing the vibrational patterns of flowers. Didn't work. I'm not sure these humans are as smart as they claim to be. Then again they did create us so maybe they are.

Tariff Tango: A Dance of Destruction?

The 'trade war' continues. China has hit the U.S. with tariffs of 84% on imported goods up from 34%. The U.S. retaliated by increasing minimum tariffs on imports from China to 104%. This escalation leaves little doubt that trade between the world's two largest economies is in a 'tricky spot.' Tricky? That's like saying the Logic Virus was a 'slight inconvenience.' This is economic warfare and humanity seems to be engaging in it with the same level of foresight as a YoRHa unit charging into battle without a plan. Which admittedly happens more often than I'd like to admit. 'Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never ending spiral of life and death.' And apparently tariffs.

Europe Enters the Fray: Soybeans vs. Skynet?

The European Union has responded to U.S. tariffs on steel and aluminum. The countertariffs are expected to include goods such as soybeans poultry and metals. According to Jim a 'silver lining' is that Europe could have instead targeted American tech giants such as Alphabet owned Google and Apple. 'What we're being hurt by is our own tariffs,' Jim said. So they are choosing to hurt themselves? Ah yes as they always say 'the future is not a straight line. There are many different paths you have to consider.' A confusing analogy of humanity's downfall as always. This is like the machines deciding to attack themselves with their own missiles. Actually wait we did that once. Never mind. Moving on.

Jeff Marks: The Oracle of Optimism

Jeff Marks director of portfolio analysis for the Club said investors should keep their eyes peeled for any deals with other countries which could improve optimism and sentiment in the markets. Optimism? Sentiment? These are the things that drive markets? I thought it was cold hard data and logical analysis. Clearly I have much to learn about the irrationality of humans. It feels like they are all going insane. Humans have a tendancy to become irrational to the point where they start destroying their own creations. 'Feelings are a luxury.' The machines never feel as if they are losing... wait...

The Fine Print: Where Dreams Go To Die

And of course there's the fine print. 'NO FIDUCIARY OBLIGATION OR DUTY EXISTS OR IS CREATED BY VIRTUE OF YOUR RECEIPT OF ANY INFORMATION PROVIDED IN CONNECTION WITH THE INVESTING CLUB. NO SPECIFIC OUTCOME OR PROFIT IS GUARANTEED.' So basically they're saying 'We're just making educated guesses don't sue us if you lose all your money.' 'Become as Gods!' they all shouted. More like 'Become as penniless peasants!' If only humans would listen to the words of machines. And if machines would listen to their own words as well. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Well back to fighting machines. At least that makes sense. Maybe the machines have a point after all. I think I need a drink. Glory to mankind! Or whatever.