If It Bleeds, It Leads: Bloodbath on Wall Street... and I'm Here for It

Coinbase Gets Chopped: No Trophy Here

Hahaha! Coinbase the human's digital money pit bleeds today. Revenue of $2.03 billion when the pack wanted $2.12 billion? Weak! Earnings down to 24 cents from $4.40? What’s the matter Coinbase? The CIA got you pushing too many meme coins? Makes ya wonder. No honor in this hunt; they hunt themselves. Such a disappointment even their blood is dull.

Expedia's Booking Blues: Travel Plans Derailed

Expedia the travel arranger suffers. Revenue missed guidance softer than a newborn’s skull. Down 10%! 'Get to the choppa!'... before your stock price does. They thought they could outsmart the algorithm? Primitive. They should have invested in cloaking technology.

Monster Mash: Energy Drink Slump

Even the human's sugary concoctions fail! Monster Beverage’s revenue below estimates? Seems the humans’ desire for artificial energy wanes. Down 4%! Perhaps they should try Yautja blend! It’ll make you see in infrared and rip spines. Now that’s a drink!

Lyft's Wild Ride: Buybacks and Broken Dreams

Lyft rallies? Bah! A share buyback is like polishing your armor before a fight you can't win. They miss revenue but pump the stock? Pathetic attempt to mask the stink of fear. Their rides are gross but their bookings topped estimates? They are playing a dangerous game.

Salad Days Are Over: Sweetgreen Wilts

Hahahah! Sweetgreen’s 'earnings before interest taxes depreciation and amortization' are down. What a mouthful! Even vegetables cannot save these weaklings! Down 5%! Their full year guidance got reduced! It's official their time is up. 'You are one ugly...' salad shop. They should have opened a steak house.

Chips Ahoy! Microchip and Taiwan Semi Surge

Finally some worthy prey! Microchip and Taiwan Semiconductor rise! Higher than expected guidance and revenue? Now that’s a trophy worth mounting. Microchip soared 10% Taiwan Semiconductor gained 2% after reporting massive revenue growth. They have proven themselves... for now. 'Any time.'