These Companies Are HOT or NOT! (And One's So Bad, It's Going Straight in the Bin!)

Hewlett Packard Enterprise: A Damn Good Result!

Right let's get this straight. Hewlett Packard Enterprise? They've actually done something right! Shares up 3%! They smashed analyst expectations with earnings of 38 cents a share on $7.63 billion in revenue. Bloody hell even I’m impressed. For once someone's not serving up a plate of absolute donkey! This isn't just edible; it's actually… good. Keep it up you lot!

CrowdStrike: Revenue Guidance? More Like Revenue Garbage!

CrowdStrike you’re next. Down more than 6%? Soft revenue guidance? Are you taking the PISS? $1.14 billion to $1.15 billion when analysts wanted $1.16 billion? That's not just a small miss; it's a monumental cock up! I wouldn't serve that to my dog! Get your act together or you’ll be hearing from me again – and trust me you won't like it.

Guidewire Software: Redemption From The Depths!

Now Guidewire Software here’s a comeback story I can get behind. Up more than 8%! Adjusted earnings of 88 cents a share on $294 million revenue blowing past the expected 46 cents on $284 million. Finally someone's pulled their finger out! You've gone from zero to hero. Now keep that momentum going; don't you dare rest on your laurels!

Asana: Is This Even Edible? Wall Street Thinks Not!

Asana darling what is this I'm looking at? Down 6%? A weak outlook that fails to impress Wall Street? Adjusted earnings between 4 and 5 cents a share on revenue between $192 and $194 million? That's barely enough to cover the cost of the electricity to run your computers! The analysts are only looking for 4 cents a share on $193 million and even you can't hit that? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic! This is going straight in the bin!

Wells Fargo: Cap Lifted! About Bloody Time!

Wells Fargo & Co. a 2% rise! The Federal Reserve has finally removed those asset cap limits. This restriction has been there since 2018 holding them back! It's about bloody time! Now get out there and prove you can handle the responsibility. Don't screw it up!

HealthEquity: A Recipe for Success (Almost)!

HealthEquity up 4%! You've raised your guidance for the full year seeing adjusted earnings between $3.61 and $3.78 per share and revenue between $1.285 billion and $1.305 billion. Analysts were seeking $3.62 per share and $1.30 billion in revenue. You've almost got it right! It's a slight over achievement I'll give you that but you still have room for improvement! Don't get complacent. Push yourselves! Remember perfection is the aim!