Is JPMorgan Chase About to Serve Up a Recession?!

First Quarter: Raw Bloody and Undercooked?

Right let's get one thing straight. These JPMorgan Chase earnings are about to drop like a soufflé in a bloody earthquake. Wall Street's expecting $4.61 a share and $44.11 billion in revenue. But honestly who gives a toss about expectations? It's the reality that stinks worse than a week old fish in a bloody dumpster!

Trump's Trade Wars: A Recipe for Disaster?

Donald Trump's been waving his tariff willy nilly like a toddler with a bloody knife hasn't he? Jamie Dimon bless his cotton socks reckons this could trigger a recession. And you know what? He's probably right! These tariffs are going to do more damage than a Gordon Ramsay trained chef in a vegetarian restaurant. It's absolute madness!

90 Days of 'Liberation': More Like 90 Days of Limbo!

Trump's 'Liberation Day' announcement? Don't make me laugh! 90 days to sort this mess out? That's about as useful as a chocolate teapot. The banks will spout on about the past quarter but nobody cares! Fear sells and fear is what drives those stocks up or down faster than you can say 'lamb sauce!'

Investment Banking: A Soggy Bottom?

Uncertainty is a bloody killer isn't it? It's like trying to make a decent risotto with tap water. IPOs and merger advice? Forget about it! Everyone's too scared to move. But look it is what it is what’s done is done. The investment banking activities were slow and casted a pall over it.

Trading Desks: Finally Something Cookin'!

Ah the trading desks. Finally a bit of good news! Volatility is their foreplay and this trade war chaos is like a bloody aphrodisiac. They'll be printing money faster than I can swear at a useless commis chef. It is what it is! Get on with it!.

What's Next? Don't Be An Idiot Sandwich!

Wells Fargo Morgan Stanley Goldman Sachs Bank of America Citigroup... They're all queuing up to serve us their own brand of financial gruel. Keep your eyes peeled because this is going to be a wild ride. And for God's sake don't just stand there like an idiot sandwich! Do your bloody research! It’s all gone wrong!!!!