Bloody Hell! Market Roars Back Like a Well-Done Steak: Is This the Lamb Sauce We've Been Waiting For?

Wake Up You Donkey! A Market Rebound of Epic Proportions

Right listen up you muppets! The S&P 500 is practically licking a new record a mere 0.85% away from glory after nearly face planting with a 20% sell off in April. And the Nasdaq 100? Already strutting its stuff at an all time high! I'm bloody gobsmacked I tell you! Who would've thought with all the geopolitical bollocks going on that we'd see such a comeback? It's like watching a souffle rise perfectly after you've kicked the oven – utterly baffling but I'll take it!

Trade Truces: A Glimmer of Hope or More Pig's Swill?

Trump in a rare moment of sanity seems to have backed off on some of those ridiculous tariffs. Could it be? A trade truce with China of all places! Apparently they're promising to supply rare earths. Let's hope it's not just a load of pony. Chris Haverland from Wells Fargo seems to think more trade deals are on the horizon which could ease anxiety. Fingers crossed it's not just pie in the sky because I'm starving for some good news!

Earnings: Not Quite Raw Chicken But Needs More Seasoning

Corporate earnings bless their cotton socks have actually held up rather well despite all the uncertainty. The S&P 500 earnings grew by 4.9% for the second quarter marking eight consecutive quarters of growth. Not bad but let's not get complacent. We need more flavor more spice! Otherwise it's just another bland forgettable dish.

The American Dream: Still Alive and Kicking (For Now)

The U.S. economy is still standing surprisingly. Unemployment's low and even inflation hasn't been too badly affected by those damn tariffs. The Federal Reserve is even talking about cutting rates later this year! Now Jerome Powell says they're waiting to see the full impact of the tariffs – smart move unlike some of the nitwits I've seen in my kitchens. Dubravko Lakos Bujas from JPMorgan thinks we'll avoid a recession. Let's hope he's right or we're all in deep doo doo!

AI: The Next Big Thing or Just a Load of Hype?

Ah yes AI. The buzzword that's been propping up the market for two years. Nvidia's still raking it in and Big Tech is throwing money at AI like it's going out of style. But let's not get carried away. Remember that DeepSeek startup from China that rattled everyone? We need to see some real results not just empty promises. Ulrike Hoffmann Burchardi from UBS thinks the AI trend is still strong. JPMorgan reckons it could drive a trillion dollars of spending by 2030. Let's hope it's not just another fad like those bloody avocado roses!

Hold Your Horses: Volatility is Still on the Menu

Alright settle down you lot! Don't go spending all your money just yet. There's a July 8 deadline for tariff suspensions looming and more jobs data coming next week. Carol Schleif from BMO Private Wealth reckons we'll see more volatility. So buckle up buttercups! It's going to be a bumpy ride. Remember this isn't 'Kitchen Nightmares'; it's the real world. And in the real world anything can happen. Now get back to work you useless planks!