Giggity Giggity Wall Street Scores Bigly Thanks to Trump Chaos! Are You Ready for More?!

Giggity! A Tidal Wave of Cash!

Well hello there! Glen Quagmire here ready to report on some juicy news that's got Wall Street wetter than a spring break pool party. Apparently all that hullabaloo surrounding Trump's policies has turned into a veritable tsunami of cash for the big banks. Goldman Sachs Morgan Stanley JPMorgan Chase Bank of America… they're all doin' the horizontal mambo with record profits! Giggity!

Who Else Wants to Do It?

I mean $16.3 billion in stock trading for the top six banks? That's more action than a Quahog singles night! Even more than the 'rona or that whole financial crisis thingy. Seems like everyone's been busy repositioning themselves for the new world order and these fellas are lining their pockets like I line up dates on a Saturday night! Giggity giggity goo!

Dealmakers? More Like Steal Makers!

Now you'd think all this Trump stuff would be great for the dealmakers right? Those guys wheeling and dealing billion dollar acquisitions? Nope! Turns out they're sittin' pretty but the real action's been on the trading floors. It's like finding out your grandma's got a tattoo – unexpected and kinda thrilling! Huh Peter?

Volatility? More Like Voluptuous ity!

Apparently all that up and down market action is like catnip for these trading desks. Currencies commodities bonds... they're all bouncing around like a Quagmire family reunion after a keg stand competition. And according to some smarty pants analyst named James Shanahan this ain't stoppin' anytime soon! Giggity!

Unemployment Blues? Wall Street Snoozes!

While regular folks might be worried about unemployment rising like my chances of settling down (never!) these big banks are just chillin'. They're even setting aside cash for bad loans but still laughing all the way to the bank. It's like that time I 'accidentally' wore a banana hammock to a funeral – everyone else is sad but I'm just feeling fabulous! Oh yeah!

Regional Banks? More Like... Regionally Bankrupt!

But hold on not everyone's having a Giggity good time. Those poor regional banks are struggling stuck between stagnant loans and defaults. They're like that one friend who always gets stuck with the bill after a night out with Quagmire – sad broke and regretting their life choices. Poor guys! But hey that's life in the fast lane! Giggity giggity giggity!