Eat My Shorts, Wall Street! Stocks Go Haywire!

Alphabet Soup er Disaster!

Ay caramba! Alphabet or as I like to call them the company that stalks me with ads took a nosedive! Apple's Eddy Cue is blabbing about ditching Google for AI search. Looks like Milhouse might have a better chance of being cool than Alphabet right now. I guess 'Don't have a cow man!' doesn't apply to their stock price.

Uber's Ride to Nowhere (Almost)

Uber? More like 'Under' performing! They missed their revenue target which means fewer rides for me to escape detention! At least they beat their earnings per share whatever that means. Probably something Mr. Burns would understand. Excellent...

Lionsgate Roars (Finally!)

Lionsgate! Whoa they're splitting up their studio and STARZ! That stock went up nearly 20%! Maybe they'll finally make a decent 'Radioactive Man' movie. Up and at them!

Disney's Magical Kingdom of Cash

Cowabunga dudes! Disney is swimming in dough thanks to some good earnings and revenue. They're even building a new theme park in Abu Dhabi! Maybe I can sneak in with Lisa disguised as foreign exchange students eh? A new theme park whoo hoo!

Rivian's Road Bump

Rivian that electric car company is hitting some potholes. They cut their delivery forecast because of uh tariffs or something boring. Sounds like Principal Skinner trying to explain economics. Time for a chalkboard gag!

Sarepta's Stock Slump

Sarepta Therapeutics took a major tumble losing 20% of their value! Talk about a face plant! They had to cut their revenue forecast which is worse than when I accidentally shaved Mr. Burns' head. I am so sorry I ruined your billion dollar haircut.