Eat My Shorts! Wall Street Banks Are Making More Dough Than Krusty's Clown College!

Trump's Back and Wall Street's Raking It In!?

Alright dudes and dudettes! Bart Simpson here reporting live from… well my treehouse which is way less fancy than Wall Street. Turns out with Trump back in the Oval Office those Wall Street types are making more moolah than ever! It's like they're saying 'Don't have a cow man,' while stuffing their pockets with cash. Goldman Sachs Morgan Stanley JP Morgan Chase... they're all swimming in dough. It's enough to make a guy say 'I didn't do it!'

33% More? That's More Than Milhouse Gets in Allowance!

These guys pulled in $16.3 BILLION in stock trading which is like 33% more than last year! Even crazier than Principal Skinner dating Mrs. Krabappel. And get this – it's more than they made during the whole COVID thing or the time the economy went kablooey in '08. 'Excellent,' as Mr. Burns would say but probably not for us regular folks. Bart thinks this calls for a prank on Wall Street!

Investment Banking is Down But Trading is Up!

So while all those fancy dealmakers are twiddling their thumbs the traders are going nuts. They're betting on everything – currencies commodities bonds... It's like Moe's Tavern on a Friday night but with more zeros. Some analyst dude named James Shanahan says as long as things stay crazy (which let's be honest they will) the trading desks will be busy. He must be a Simpsons fan or at least knows how to survive in Springfield.

Unemployment's Gonna Rise!? Aw Man!

But here's the bummer. JP Morgan is saying unemployment is gonna go up. Like to almost 6%! That's more people out of work than times I've been sent to detention. Turns out big bank profits may be coming at the expense of even more Americans losing jobs. Maybe Lisa is right and capitalism *is* a cruel cruel mistress.

Trump's Tariffs = Wall Street's Party?

Remember when Trump was talking about tariffs on everything from Canada to China? Well all that uncertainty made the markets go bonkers. And when markets go bonkers Wall Street makes bank. It's like Krusty's act – a total train wreck but somehow profitable. It's like the time Milhouse brought a potato to school!

Wall Street's Evolving?!

Apparently Wall Street learned its lesson from the 2008 meltdown. Now they're not just betting their own money; they're helping other people bet too! They make money whether the market goes up or down so they're basically invincible. That's why the traders are more like financial facilitators than outright gamblers. Time to write something sarcastic on the chalkboard in class!