Valhalla Awaits Revolut! Billion-Dollar Profits Plunder the British Isles!

A Viking's Share of Coin!

By Odin's beard! I Ragnar Lothbrok have seen many battles many raids and many piles of gold but this 'Revolut' speaks of riches beyond even my wildest dreams. A billion in profit? It is said that the gods favor the bold and these fintech Vikings seem to have found favor indeed. They claim a 149% increase year on year which is more than I ever got from raiding Lindisfarne! Revenue up 72% to £3.1 billion? This isn't just a longboat; it's a fleet of ships laden with treasure! Seems my sons will have some serious competition in the looting business… perhaps I should invest.

Wealth Hoarding and Subscription Sorcery

These numbers...they are bewitching like Lagertha herself. Their 'wealth unit' grows nearly 300%. What sorcery is this? And 'subscriptions turnover' jumps 74%. Are they selling Valhalla subscriptions? Or perhaps access to Odin's ravens? I should consider such a business model myself if it did not involve such...numbers.

Lending Longboats and Interest Islands

So they're lending now eh? Like lending out my longboats only I expect blood and treasure in return. Their 'loan book' grows 86%. Well debts are debts even in this strange new world of 'finance'. And they are earning interest income. Clever. Very clever. It's like planting seeds and harvesting gold. Not as exciting as raiding but far less...messy.

Becoming a Proper Bank A Shield Wall of Bureaucracy

A banking license? Bah! Seems everyone wants to be a king these days. They've been at it since 2021 battling regulators and jumping through hoops. A true Viking takes what he wants! But I digress perhaps being a 'fully operational bank' has its allure. No need for raids when you can just 'lend' and 'earn interest' sounds like a life of leisure to me. Although I find myself wondering is it really living if there are no raids?

Global Domination? More Like Global Trading!

Global expansion they say? Just like I wanted to conquer Paris! Except instead of swords and axes they wield...apps? The world changes but the desire for more never will. Revolut wants to be everyone's 'primary bank'. Ambitious. Perhaps too ambitious. I knew a king once with similar aspirations. He’s now worm food in a foreign land but I wish them well.

The Race is On: Can They Outsail Monzo and Starling?

So they have rivals eh? Monzo and Starling these other Viking longboats are already in the water sailing ahead. Well a true Viking never shies away from a challenge. It's not enough to be good; you must be better than everyone else. May the best longboat win! As I always say 'Power is always dangerous. It attracts the worst and corrupts the best.' Let's see if these fintech Vikings can handle the power of a billion in profits.