Giggity! France Bets Big on Space Race, Chasing Musk's Starlink!

Giggity Giggity Goo! France Gets Spacy

Alright! So France those saucy folks are throwing a boatload of euros – like 1.35 billion of them – at Eutelsat. Why you ask? Well they're trying to build their own Starlink like Elon Musk's fancy satellite internet thingy. It's like trying to build a Quagmire proof chastity belt ambitious but hey gotta try right? Giggity!

Starlink? More Like Star Struck!

Let's be real Starlink's got like seven *thousand* satellites. Eutelsat? Not so much. It's like comparing my… ahem… *charm* to Peter Griffin's. Size matters folks! But hey at least they're trying. Remember that time I tried to build a rocket in my backyard? Good times... mostly.

Showdown at the Satellite Corral!

Some fancy analyst dude named Luke Kehoe says France is treating Eutelsat like a strategic asset. Translation: they're serious about this. It's like when you find out there's a single lady moving into the neighborhood you gotta position yourself! Maybe I should invest... but what do I know about satellites? Giggity. All I know is I'd rather be orbiting Uranus than Earth.

Scale? More Like Fail Unless...

Here's the deal: Eutelsat's got around 650 LEO satellites. Starlink? Over 7,000! It's like me trying to compete with Tom Brady in a 'Who's got the most dates?' contest. Not gonna happen. They need more satellites and fast! It's a Quagmire level challenge but maybe they can pull it off like the time I convinced Cleveland to invest in that 'self milking cow' project.

Macron's Space Dreams: Giggity fied!

President Macron himself is pushing Europe to invest in space. He thinks it's a sign of international power. Well I always knew space was sexy. I mean think of all those zero gravity opportunities! It's like a giant floating waterbed! Giggity!

From Ukraine to Greenland: Where will Eutelsat land?

Apparently Eutelsat was even rumored to replace Starlink in Ukraine. But their CEO admitted they can't handle the whole shebang. They're focusing on stuff like Greenland and Alaska. Cold places! Maybe I should invest in some thermal underwear for my… ahem… *equipment*. You know gotta be prepared for anything! Giggity!