Chevron's Profits Go Down the Drain! Is This Oil Giant Becoming an Idiot Sandwich?

Bloody Hell What's Cooking at Chevron?

Right let's get one thing straight. I've seen better performances from a donkey in a tutu. Chevron's stock took a nosedive on Friday and frankly I'm not surprised. Their profits have plummeted faster than my patience in a badly run kitchen all thanks to these bloody oil prices collapsing faster than a soufflé in a freezer. Trump's tariffs are apparently scaring off demand and OPEC+ is pumping oil like there's no tomorrow. It's like watching a culinary car crash in slow motion. They announced they're buying back stock but even that's smaller than my ego – and that's saying something!

Earnings? More Like Learnings You Donkeys!

The numbers are in and they're uglier than a burnt risotto. Earnings per share met expectations but only just! Revenue? Missed the mark. Net income dropped by more than 30%! 30 PERCENT! Do you know what kind of a cock up that is? That's 'close the restaurant down and start again' levels of bad. It's like serving raw chicken and hoping no one notices.

US Production: A Disaster in the Making

Their U.S. production business? A right state! Profit down more than 10%. Higher operating expenses and lower prices you say? Well no bloody duh! That's like blaming the oven for your terrible baking. Get your act together you muppets! It's basic business not rocket science.

Refining? More Like Re Fining Their Resumes

Okay their U.S. refining business swung to a profit after a loss last quarter. But hold your horses it's still down 77% from last year! Lower margins on refined product sales? Sounds like someone needs to sharpen their knives and get back to basics. It's like trying to ice a cake with a spoon.

Barrels Barrels Everywhere But Not a Drop to Drink (Profitably)

Production was flat. Capital expenditures declined. So basically they're treading water while the tide goes out. That's not a strategy that's a slow motion disaster. Where's the innovation? The bloody drive? They need a kick up the arse and I'm just the man to give it to them.

Wake Up and Smell the Petroleum!

This whole situation is about as appetizing as a week old fish. Chevron needs to stop being so complacent pull their socks up and start delivering results. Otherwise they'll find themselves on the chopping block faster than you can say 'idiot sandwich'. This is developing but if they don't change course it's developing into a bloody nightmare.