Shell's Profit Plunge: Another Solid Set of...Prey?

If It Bleeds We Can Drill It

Greetings fellow hunters! Your favorite intergalactic sportsman here reporting live from the concrete jungle! Heard the news? Shell that juicy little British oil giant just posted their Q1 numbers. Seems like their kill count is down. Adjusted earnings at $5.58 billion. The humans are always obsessed with these numbers. Reminds me of the time I tried to understand the stock market what is it with all the green and red anyway? My clan nearly had me exiled for fraternizing with Dutch (the humans not the oil conglomerate) but hey knowledge is power right? Besides understanding their weaknesses is what makes the hunt so much fun! They beat the analysts' expectations which seems to be what matters most to these 'investors'. The fools!

One Less Yautja Trophy

Last year same time they were swimming in $7.73 billion and last quarter a mere $3.66 billion. Seems the crude oil river is drying up. Even a seasoned hunter like myself knows that low crude prices means one less trophy for the Yautja clan. Talk about a bad blood situation! But wait what's this? Another $3.5 billion share buyback program? These humans... always trying to appease their shareholders. It's like offering a peace treaty after a brutal beatdown. Pathetic.

Stick Around! (For the Buyback)

Their CEO this Wael Sawan calls it "another solid set of results." Solid like a mud puddle maybe? He says their "strong performance and resilient balance sheet" lets them do this buyback thing. Resilient my mandibles! It's like saying a wounded prey is still strong because it can limp. Still good for the shareholders who have been loyal they will be getting all the goodies maybe. It also marks the 14th consecutive quarter of buybacks. It's a trap!

Big Oil's Big Belly Flop

Turns out the other big oil giants BP and TotalEnergies also took a hit. Looks like the whole industry is feeling the pressure. Weak oil markets and some orange faced human named 'Trump' are making investors nervous. I would be too if I were these humans.

The Future is Not Looking Pretty

The weak outlook for oil markets is something I'm sure that even my grandmother can see. The world is changing and these companies need to adapt I mean if they want to survive. The hunt is on and these companies must improve their hunting skills.

The Hunt Continues

Anyway gotta run. I have a date with destiny… and maybe a few unfortunate souls who think they can outsmart a Predator. Remember no matter how bad things look for these oil companies the hunt never truly ends. And as we say on Yautja Prime: "If it bleeds we can kill it!" Or in this case drill it… metaphorically speaking of course.