Disney Roars Back: More Subscribers Than You Can Shake a Plasma Caster At!

The Mouse That Scored!

What in the name of Schwarzenegger's biceps is going on here? Disney? *Profitable*? Seems the soft humans over at the Magic Kingdom have managed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps or whatever fluffy footwear they wear. Word is they exceeded expectations on both the top and bottom lines for their fiscal second quarter. They are no longer economic invisibles like Dillon. Apparently more of you fleshy bags are subscribing to their streaming platform than they thought so "Get to the choppa!" because Disney is back in business!

Subscribers: A New Kind of Prey

A 1.4 million subscriber *increase*? Last quarter Disney expected subscribers to decline oh they were so very wrong. Now they're boasting about a global base of 126 million. I thought you humans liked to complain. Why are so many of you watching this… *Disney*? At this rate I'll be hunting Mickey Mouse in a remake soon. And believe me that squeaky voice will be the *last* thing he utters.

Money Money Everywhere!

Direct to consumer business up 8% to $6.12 billion. I could buy a lot of cloaking devices with that kind of scratch. They're saying higher prices and more of you signing up is to thank. So you're *paying more* to watch… *more* Disney? Humans truly are strange creatures. Good job Disney. You've made a killing. Literally metaphorically whatever. Just don't get any ideas about hunting me for sport.

Hits and Misses: Even The Mouse Has Bad Days

Apparently not all the Disney movies are good for the Yautja's stomach. While 'Snow White' and 'Captain America: Brave New World' underperformed ticket sales from 2024 releases 'Mufasa: The Lion King' and 'Moana 2' buoyed content sales and licensing. It seems even the mighty Mouse stumbles. But as the saying goes 'If it bleeds we can kill it.' (Though in this case it bleeds profits which is… less exciting.) The old TV networks are still dragging their feet in the mud. Revenue is down 13% for the TV Networks. But hey they still manage to drag in $2.42 billion so it's still quite a haul.

ESPN: The Real MVP

Sports. It's the only thing humans love more than singing princesses and funny animals. Revenue for Disney's sports segment rose 5% to $4.53 billion thanks to more of those 'College Football Playoff' games and even an extra 'National Football League' game. More games more ads more money! Clever girls... I mean humans. They even expect that their sports segment will grow 18% year over year higher than the 13% they were predicting. "You are one ugly..." profitable franchise.

New Hunting Grounds: Abu Dhabi Beckons

Hold the phone! A new theme park and resort in Abu Dhabi? Looks like this Yautja needs to update its travel itinerary. More prey… I mean guests… means more opportunity for… *observation*. Plus I hear the weather's lovely. Perfect for blending into the shadows while families pose for pictures with oversized cartoon characters. This will be a glorious… vacation. I mean hunt.