Lyft's Wild Ride: From Xenomorph-Sized Losses to Pocket Change Profits!

Another Day Another Dollar... or Two

Alright people Ripley here. You wouldn't BELIEVE the corporate slime I've been wading through. Apparently this 'Lyft' thing – some kind of terrestrial transportation service not unlike those glorified golf carts they had on LV 426 – well their shares jumped 20% faster than a facehugger on a fresh corpse. Seems they're doing better than expected according to their brass. CEO guy David Risher claims there's nothing to worry about. "Our team is stronger than it's ever been"...sounds awfully familiar to what Burke said about Weyland Yutani before he tried to smuggle those eggs on board the Nostromo. Famous last words pal.

Bookings Gone Wild

Gross bookings are up rides are up blah blah blah. Thirteen percent growth! Sixteen percent more humans cramming into their… vehicles. Reminds me of the colony before… well you know. At least these passengers aren't likely to burst open and ruin your day. Probably. They even made a tiny profit a whopping $2.57 million or one cent per share. Pocket change compared to Weyland Yutani’s off world operations.

The Buyback Boogaloo

The suits at Lyft are so happy with themselves that they're buying back their own shares like they're going out of style. They're upping their share repurchase plan to $750 million. Seems fishy to me. I've learned that when corporations start throwing money around it's usually because they're trying to distract you from something nasty lurking in the shadows or a defective airlock. Just sayin'.

Activist Investor Retreats... For Now

An 'activist investor' – whatever that is – named Engine Capital was making noise about Lyft's board but they've backed down now. Apparently the share buyback plan appeased them. “Following a series of productive conversations the Board has taken an important first step by committing to significant share repurchases in the coming quarters,” said Arnaud Ajdler. Yeah right. Sounds like someone got a payout to shut up. They all end up the same: face down in a pool of their own greed. "I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Uber's Got the Space Shivers

Their competitor 'Uber,' apparently had a rougher time. Shares declined. Good. Maybe they should try investing in some proper flamethrowers instead of those fancy self driving cars. Goldman Sachs the bloodsuckers in the financial world upgraded Lyft’s shares saying that rides and bookings growth and "strong execution in a stable industry backdrop". As if there’s ever such a thing as “stable” when it comes to business. "I don't know what we're dealing with but I know that there is something moving in there and it isn't us."

Final Thoughts: Stay Frosty

Look I'm just saying don't get complacent. This 'success' could be a smokescreen. Corporations are like the Company: they're always hiding something. So keep your weapons charged your eyes open and remember: in space no one can hear you scream. And on Earth no one cares if you do. End of report. Ripley out.