Eat My Shorts, Macy's! Tariffs Got 'Em Trippin'!

Macy's Meltdown: A Kid Could See This Coming!

Alright dudes and dudettes Bart Simpson here reporting live from… well my treehouse! Turns out even ol' Macy's is feelin' the pinch. They thought they were gonna rake in the big bucks but those pesky tariffs messed everything up! CEO Tony Spring (sounds like a guy who sells mattresses not runs a department store!) says they gotta raise prices. I betcha Krusty's gonna charge even more for his Krusty Burgers now!

D'oh! Less Dough for Mr. Burns... and Macy's!

So here's the deal: Macy's was hopin' to score between $2.05 and $2.25 per share but now they're only lookin' at $1.60 to $2.00. Talk about a major bummer! Spring says about 15 to 40 cents of that is because of tariffs. That's like losin' all your allowance money to Nelson Muntz! They're blamin' higher tariffs and less spendin' on fun stuff (discretionary spending sounds boring eh?).

Price Hike Panic: Get Ready to Pay More Suckers!

Macy's ain't takin' this lyin' down! They're gonna be “surgical” about their pricing – I bet that hurts! Some stuff will cost the same some will be pricier than Milhouse's glasses and some they won't even sell anymore. So if you're lookin' for that special somethin' better snag it now before it goes the way of Jebediah Springfield's head!

Wall Street Whackos: Even They Were Fooled!

Even the Wall Street nerds thought Macy's would do better! They were expectin' 14 cents a share but Macy's squeezed out 16. Big whoop! Revenue was $4.60 billion instead of $4.50 billion – like a penny saved is a penny earned or something. Net income? Down to $38 million. Someone call Dr. Hibbert this sounds serious!

Macy's Makeover: From Flop to Fab (Maybe?)

Macy's is tryin' to do a makeover and close some stores to make more money. They are focusin' on fancy stuff like Bloomingdale's and Bluemercury. Regular Macy's stores are doin' worse than those bougie places. It's like tryin' to make Milhouse cool – good luck with that! They are also tryin' to improve the stores and online stuff so people can buy things easier.

The First 50... and 75 More!?

Macy's tried fixin' up 50 stores and now they're doin' it to 75 more. Sales are still kinda down but not as much as the other stores. It's like givin' Sideshow Bob a makeover – he still gonna try to kill Bart Simpson!