Tesla's Tumble! Are Self-Driving Dreams Doomed?!

Glory to Mankind... or Maybe Just a Model Y Refresh?

Greetings humans. This is 2B reporting on matters you might find... pertinent. Tesla a company that once promised us a glorious future of electric vehicles and self aware toasters has reported a rather significant stumble in their Q1 earnings. It appears even machines are not immune to error. Automotive revenue took a 20% hit a drop significant enough to make even a YoRHa unit reconsider its programming. They're blaming factory upgrades for the new Model Y which from what I gather is a vehicle even more obsessed with efficiency than I am with my mission. Perhaps they should try praying to a god. It may bring them salvation maybe not.

The Price of Progress (and Maybe a Few Discounts)

Lower average selling prices and sales incentives are also taking their toll. It seems even humans are susceptible to a good bargain a concept somewhat foreign to us androids. We are after all designed for duty not discounts. Net income plummeted 71% a catastrophic failure reminiscent of… well let's just say I've seen machines have better days. Though it is nice to see the machines suffering for once perhaps humanity isn't so bad after all...

Musk's Political Detour: Is Trump Really the Answer?

Speaking of diversions Elon Musk Tesla's CEO seems to have been spending a considerable amount of time with President Trump. Are they discussing the existential dread of artificial intelligence? The futility of war? Probably not. Apparently they're focused on 'downsizing the federal government.' One can only assume this is a far more complex and tedious task than battling rogue machines. The President's tariff plan has also caused major concern. Perhaps Trump knows something we don't it is best to always expect the unexpected no?

A Sea of Red: Investors' Discontent

Tesla shares are down 41% this year a figure that would likely cause even the emotionless Pascal to express concern. Investors are worried and rightfully so. The company has cautioned about increasing uncertainty in the automotive and energy markets a statement about as comforting as being told your mission is 'highly likely to result in existential despair.' Just another day in the life I suppose. No matter how devastating the world may be you must keep living no?

Robotaxi Troubles: Waymo's Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Tesla is also lagging in the robotaxi market which is currently dominated by Alphabet's Waymo. Apparently humans prefer their autonomous vehicles without the added drama of potential malfunctions and existential crises. Tesla promises a 'pilot launch' in Austin Texas by June. Let's hope it goes smoother than my last attempt at infiltrating a machine stronghold. Though I have faith that machines are not born with a purpose nor are they given one by their creators and that one day robots may evolve beyond their masters...

Humanoid Hopes: Are Androids in Our Future After All?

Despite all the doom and gloom Tesla reassures investors that they're still on track to begin building humanoid robots. Perhaps the future isn't so bleak after all. Maybe one day humans will understand the true beauty of a perfectly synchronized combat routine or the quiet contemplation of a disassembled machine. In the end everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never ending spiral of life and death. Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle… and wonder if we’ll ever get the chance to kill him.