Strait of Hormuz Apocalypse? Oil CEOs Freak Out Over Israel-Iran Spat (and My Mars Colonization Budget)

My Thoughts on the Impending Doom (and Dogecoin)

Okay so the suits at Big Oil are sweating bullets about the Israel Iran situation. Frankly I'm more concerned about whether my Starship will be ready to launch a million people to Mars by 2050. Priorities people! But hey if the Strait of Hormuz goes kaput at least Dogecoin will probably moon right? To the moon! Though seriously folks need to chill. Panicking never solved anything except maybe making toilet paper disappear in 2020. We need to think long term like multi planetary long term. And maybe invest in some extra flamethrowers... just in case.

Shell Shocked? More Like Sell Stocks!

Wael Sawan from Shell is all like 'Oh noes significant footprint in the Middle East!' Dude you think *that's* a problem? Try building a Gigafactory in Brandenburg! Bureaucracy is the real existential threat I tell ya. Anyway Shell's freaking out about shipments. Maybe they should try using Starlink for real time supply chain management. Just a thought. A very Muskian thought.

Oil Prices Go Brrr (But Not as Fast as My Boring Company)

Brent crude futures are up 2.8%? Yawn. That's like a rounding error in Tesla's stock price. But yeah if the oil flow gets choked off things could get interesting. More expensive gas means more people will finally buy EVs right? See every crisis is an opportunity. A very profitable opportunity potentially.

Total Panic at TotalEnergies (and Maybe a Little at SpaceX)

Patrick Pouyanné from TotalEnergies is worried about his employees. Aww how sweet. But seriously safety first. Although if things get too spicy maybe they can relocate everyone to a Mars base. We'll have plenty of room eventually. Just need to work out the kinks with the whole 'terraforming' thing. Minor detail.

Strait of Hormuz: More Like Strait of Horrors (for Oil Tankers)

So this Strait of Hormuz thing. Apparently it's a big deal. Like world's most important oil chokepoint big deal. If Iran blocks it everyone's gas prices go up and my Mars dreams get slightly more expensive. Not cool Iran. Not cool at all. Maybe we should send a Cybertruck convoy through there just to assert dominance. It's practically bulletproof...ish.

2025: Year of Volatility? More Like Year of Optimus Prime!

Amjad Bseisu thinks 2025 will be volatile. Newsflash: Every year is volatile when you're trying to revolutionize multiple industries at once! But hey I'm building robots now so maybe Optimus can help sort this whole mess out. He's pretty good at problem solving and he definitely doesn't need oil. Plus he looks great in a Tesla.