Hyrule's Guide to Worldly Affairs: Is the US Really Battling a Nuclear Ganon?

A Kingdom Divided: Are We At War?

Greetings loyal subjects! Princess Zelda here reporting from the front lines of... well not Hyrule this time. It seems the American kingdom is having a bit of a kerfuffle with a land called Iran. Vice President JD Vance insists they're *not* at war with the *people* of Iran but rather with their 'nuclear program.' It's like saying we're not fighting Ganon just his Calamity goo! Honestly sometimes I think politicians speak in riddles even more cryptic than the Sheikah.

Pete Hegseth's Bold Boast: Nuclear Ambitions Obliterated!

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth apparently feels like he defeated a Lynel boasting that Iran's 'nuclear ambitions have been obliterated.' Bold words! Sounds a bit like claiming you've destroyed the Master Sword... only to find out it was just a rusty old broadsword. Let's hope he's right or we might see some real trouble brewing. After all 'the future is not fixed. Remember that and be not afraid.'

Vance's Double Edged Declaration: Peace Through...Bombing?

Vance in his infinite wisdom declared that the U.S. 'actually want[s] peace.' But and this is a big but only if Iran promises not to build a big boom boom machine. It's like offering a Lon Lon Ranch milkshake with a side of exploding barrels! I must admit his statements are more confusing than a ReDead choir. I guess they are hoping to show them the US are 'stronger together'.

Iran's Retort: 'You Can't Touch This!' (Nuclear Edition)

Unsurprisingly Iran's Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi wasn't exactly thrilled. He declared that Iran reserves all options to defend itself which sounds suspiciously like Ganon saying 'You haven't seen the last of me!' I do not understand what any of that means. Someone better tell Link.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun: Unless You're The Princess

Vance remained tight lipped about the extent of the damage claiming he wouldn't reveal 'sensitive intelligence.' Oh how I know that dance! As a princess I'm practically swimming in 'sensitive intelligence.' Though usually it's about the best way to sneak past Bokoblins or the location of hidden fairies.

Delaying the Doomsday Clock: Success...For Now?

Ultimately Vance believes the attacks 'substantially delayed' Iran's nuclear weapon development. Let's hope he's right! Because if there is one thing I know is that the hero always win. Otherwise the world is doomed. Although if all else fails I'm sure Link could handle it. He usually does.