Good News Everyone! Trump's Clearance Crusade Claims Another Victim!

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Another Fine Mess!

Good news everyone! It seems that scoundrel Donald Trump has once again decided to meddle where he doesn't belong. This time he's targeting Mr. Chris Krebs the former Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) Chief. Apparently Trump signed an executive order – oh the humanity! – aimed at suspending the security clearances of anyone associated with Krebs especially those at SentinelOne Krebs' employer. And what’s this? Krebs has resigned? To shreds you say?

A Consulting Firm for the Ages!

Krebs who had served as SentinelOne's chief intelligence and public policy officer since late 2023 (when they acquired his consulting firm a cunning move I must say – a consulting firm for the ages!) apparently decided that fighting Trump's nonsense was more important than his paycheck. 'This will require my complete focus and energy. It's a fight for democracy for freedom of speech and for the rule of law,' Krebs said. Brave words indeed! Though I do wonder if he considered becoming a shadowy vigilante instead? Much more exciting and less paperwork!

Election Interference? Oh My!

Now you might be asking 'Professor what did Krebs do to incur the wrath of the Orange One?' Well back in 2020 Krebs had the audacity to declare that the presidential election was 'the most secure in American history.' This naturally did not sit well with Trump who subsequently fired him. Trump claims Krebs engaged in 'misconduct' by 'censoring disfavored speech' and 'falsely denying' that the election was rigged. Oh my! It seems like Trump has been smoking oregano again.

Attack of the Executive Order!

In his executive order Trump – in a move that can only be described as 'attack of the executive order' – directed the attorney general director of national intelligence and 'all other relevant agencies' to suspend security clearances. This whole ordeal smells worse than a dumpster behind a cheap seafood restaurant. 'Relevant agencies'? What a vague threat! It would be like me threatening someone with my Smell O Scope. Intimidating but ultimately harmless unless you're a sewer rat.

Is it Possible to Learn This Power?

Krebs told the Wall Street Journal that he was leaving to push back on Trump's efforts 'to go after corporate interests and corporate relationships.' It seems Trump is trying to strongarm companies into submission threatening to cut off government contracts or funding. The demands on SentinelOne resemble campaigns that President Trump has waged against law firms and universities that he's tried to strongarm into making significant changes in how they operate or else lose government contracts or funding. Is it possible to learn this power? I could use it to finally get my hands on that Nobel Prize...or at least a free sandwich.

I Hate Budgetary Changes!

SentinelOne for its part is trying to downplay the impact. They claim that fewer than 10 employees had security clearances so 'we do not expect this to materially impact our business in any way.' However they do admit that government contracts are important for their future growth. And with Elon Musk running the Department of Government Efficiency (Oh the irony!) budgetary changes could 'adversely affect' their funding. I hate budgetary changes! It reminds me of the time Zoidberg ate all my grant money. That crustacean is always causing some kind of trouble.