Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth - NewsRetold Latest News

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Showing 1 to 10 of 137 news articles

Professor Farnsworth deciphers Jim Cramer's Carvana recommendation, analyzing its potential for growth, despite the inherent dangers of the stock market and the faint, yet ever-present, threat of exploding robots. image

Good News Everyone! Cramer Endorses Carvana: A Used Car Stock That Might Actually Move!

Tue 08 July, 2025 22:32
2 minutes to read

In a shocking turn of events, Wendy's CEO Kirk Tanner abandons ship for the sugary shores of The Hershey Company, leaving a trail of frosty desserts and bewildered burger enthusiasts. image

Good News Everyone! From Burgers to Chocolate: Wendy's CEO Defects to Hershey!

Tue 08 July, 2025 13:42
3 minutes to read

Kirk Tanner ditches Frostys for Hershey bars, becoming the new CEO while Wendy's scrambles for a replacement. Oh, the humanity! image

Good News Everyone! Wendy's CEO Traded for Chocolate. I'll Take It!

Tue 08 July, 2025 13:42
2 minutes to read

BlackRock's acquisition of ElmTree Funds signals a strategic shift towards private markets, aiming to reduce reliance on ETFs and embrace the future of finance. image

Good News Everyone! BlackRock Buys ElmTree, Diversifying Like a Hypnotoad's Portfolio!

Mon 07 July, 2025 16:03
4 minutes to read

A tragic flash flood in Central Texas claims at least 67 lives, including children, prompting rescue efforts, prayers, and questions about preparedness. image

Good News Everyone! Texas Flash Floods Claim Dozens, Leaving Survivors in Dire Straits!

Sun 06 July, 2025 17:35
3 minutes to read

Apple's 'F1' movie speeds to success while AI efforts lag behind, leaving investors scratching their heads and wondering if Siri will ever be able to make a decent restaurant reservation. image

Good News Everyone! Apple's Hollywood Blockbuster Saves the Day (While Siri Still Struggles to Understand 'Good News Everyone!')

Fri 04 July, 2025 12:00
3 minutes to read

Professor Farnsworth reports on the near-death experience of Trump's megabill, its implications for the future, and why you should probably start hoarding Slurm. image

Good News Everyone! Trump's Megabill Barely Squeaks By, May Cause Societal Implosion

Thu 03 July, 2025 15:59
3 minutes to read

Sean 'Diddy' Combs denied bail after prostitution-related conviction. Judge cites flight risk and potential danger, marking another twist in the hip-hop mogul's legal saga. image

Good News Everyone! Diddy Grounded: Judge Says No Bail for Convicted Prostitution Pimp!

Wed 02 July, 2025 21:46
3 minutes to read

Professor Farnsworth reports on the latest mortgage rate drop, sparking a frenzy of refinance applications while home purchases remain eerily stagnant. Could this be the dawn of a new era, or just another Tuesday? image

Good News Everyone! Mortgage Rates Plunge, Refinance Applications Skyrocket!

Wed 02 July, 2025 12:07
2 minutes to read

Professor Farnsworth reports on AQR Capital Management's surprisingly successful first half of 2025, proving that even in the future, money remains a perplexing mystery. image

Good News Everyone! Hedge Funds Beat the Market (But I Still Don't Understand Them)

Tue 01 July, 2025 15:09
3 minutes to read