Good News Everyone! Texas Flash Floods Claim Dozens, Leaving Survivors in Dire Straits!

Oh the Humanity! A Texan Tragedy Unfolds

Good news everyone! It seems we have a situation unfolding in Central Texas that's about as pleasant as a Slurm Loco hangover. A flash flood you see has decided to turn the area into its own personal water park with a death toll climbing faster than Zoidberg at a dumpster diving competition. At least 67 souls have shuffled off this mortal coil including a gaggle of young girls from a summer camp. As usual I blame the parents.

Search and Rescue? More Like Search and... Possibly Rescue!

Rescuers are slogging through muck and debris braving overturned cars and the occasional rogue tumbleweed in the hopes of finding survivors. They're dealing with terrain so challenging it's practically begging for a good 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore!' rant. Sadly as each nanosecond ticks by the odds of finding anyone alive dwindle faster than my chances of winning a Nobel Prize in... well anything at this point. Still they persist! Bless their little cotton socks… or should I say waders?

Warnings? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Warnings!

Now it seems that some folks are wondering if enough warnings were issued. Did anyone bother to tell these Texans that maybe just maybe parking your tent next to a river during monsoon season isn't the brightest idea? Apparently the river rose 26 feet in 45 minutes which is about as subtle as a giant space squid attack. One has to wonder if they heard the warning sirens over the sound of banjos. Frankly people this stupid should not breed.

Prayers and Politics: A Match Made in... Texas!

The Governor bless his heart has declared a day of prayer. Because when science fails the only logical solution is to ask the Big Man Upstairs to fix things. And even the Pope got in on the action offering his condolences in English no less! It's all very touching really. Almost makes you forget the impending doom of climate change that likely fueled this whole watery mess. Almost.

Flash Flood Alley: Where H2O Runs Wild!

Turns out this area is known as 'flash flood alley.' Ironic isn't it? Like naming a daycare center 'The Asbestos Emporium.' Survivors are sharing tales of clinging to trees and praying to deities they haven’t spoken to since childhood. One can only imagine the therapy bills they'll be racking up later. As for me I shall remain safely ensconced in my lab far from the maddening crowd and the rampaging water.

Blame Game Begins! (As it Should!)

Of course now the blame game has begun. Everyone's pointing fingers faster than Fry trying to operate a vending machine. Did officials drop the ball? Were warnings inadequate? Did someone accidentally invent a weather controlling device and forget to turn it off? The answers my friends are probably a combination of all of the above. One thing's for sure: someone is going to be very sorry. And by 'someone,' I mean 'everyone who didn't see this coming.' Good night!