Good News Everyone! Trump's Car Tariffs May Doom Us All!

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Tariffs Incoming!

Good news everyone! Or perhaps not so good. It seems those meddling politicians are at it again this time with tariffs on imported vehicles. Apparently President… uh… what's his name… Trump slapped a 25% tariff on imported vehicles and the analysts are saying it's going to be a bigger disaster than that time I tried to invent a flavor enhancer and ended up with sentient broccoli. And you know what they say 'When you do things right people won't be sure you've done anything at all.' Well the opposite is true here!

Millions of Sales? To Shreds You Say?

These tariffs according to some pointy headed academics will cause a drop in vehicle sales by the millions. Millions! That's enough to make even Zoidberg say 'Wooo!'. And the prices? Higher than a giraffe's… well you get the idea. They're saying it could cost the automotive industry over $100 billion. That's enough to buy a whole lot of Slurm Loco! Or you know fund some actual scientific research. But who am I kidding? Nobody cares about science anymore.

The Year of the Robot Apocalypse... I Mean Automotive Shift!

Felix Stellmaszek from Boston Consulting Group (a name that sounds suspiciously like a robot from a bad sci fi movie) says this might be the most consequential year for the auto industry ever. They expect tariffs to add $110 billion to $160 billion in costs. That's a lot of money even for a professor who's constantly blowing up his lab. And he said its forcing 'fundamental change in how and where the industry builds' ... how dreadful!

Detroit's Automakers? More Like Detroit's Auto Wreckers!

The Center for Automotive Research (sounds like a fancy name for a garage to me) believes costs for automakers in the U.S. alone will increase by $107.7 billion. And a whopping $41.9 billion of that will hit Detroit's finest – General Motors Ford and that Stellantis company. I hope they have a good accountant because this sounds like a real tax nightmare. Speaking of nightmares that reminds me of the time I tried to build a robot butler out of spare parts and he tried to take over the world. Good times good times.

Consumers Screwed! (Again!)

Of course who do you think is going to end up paying for all this? You guessed it – the consumer! Analysts predict these costs will be passed down to the poor saps who actually buy these cars. Goldman Sachs (which sounds like a Bond villain) thinks new vehicle prices will rise by $2,000 to $4,000. So if you were planning on buying that new hovercar you might want to start saving your pennies… or maybe just invent time travel and go back to a time when cars were cheap. But be careful not to create a paradox!

Wooo! The Economy Is Going Down!

Telemetry (not to be confused with the ability to teleport which I am still working on) expects up to 2 million fewer vehicles sold annually. A couple million unit reduction in sales will have a broad impact economically Abuelsamid said. That's driven by higher prices not just for vehicles but across the board … which is going to limit people's' spending power. Cox Automotive reports new vehicles cost nearly $50,000. And auto loan rates are near decades high levels of more than 9.64% for a new vehicle and nearly 15% for a used car or truck. It's a dark day for cars a dark day indeed! Why am I so horny and depressed?