Good News Everyone! Nvidia's Stock is Soaring Higher Than Hubert's Hair!

To the Moon!

Oh my yes! As Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth purveyor of doomsday devices and questionable scientific endeavors I must report on a rather… profitable situation. Nvidia that purveyor of shiny silicon chips that make the robots smarter (or at least allow them to play better video games) has announced their earnings. And what earnings they are! Revenue clocked in at $44.06 billion a figure so large it nearly broke my calculator! It appears my invention of Smell O Scope can smell more than just money now it can smell success!

Trade Wars What Trade Wars?

Now you might think a little thing like a trade war between the U.S. and China would put a damper on things. But fear not! Despite tariffs flying around like mutant space pigeons Nvidia's stock is doing just fine. In fact it's surged like a rocket powered by dark matter! It's almost enough to make me forget I haven't had a decent dark matter milkshake in ages.

A Grand Investment Opportunity!

The numbers oh the numbers! Investing $1,000 in Nvidia ten years ago would now net you a staggering $243,868. A similar investment at their public listing in 1999 would be worth $5,400,142. In comparison my investments in racing greyhounds have been less lucrative. To shreds you say? Well were were they holding Fry? To shreds you say?

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch!

Of course experts warn against making investment decisions based on past performance alone. They say the market is unpredictable. But what do *they* know? I once predicted the exact moment a toaster would become sentient and try to enslave humanity! (It was 3:17 PM on a Tuesday by the way. Be warned!) Still they have a point about volatility; passive investment is a good alternative good news everyone!

Index Funds: The Boring but Safe Bet

Index funds they say are a less risky option. Diversification stability the avoidance of financial ruin… Bah! Sounds dreadfully boring! Like a Tuesday afternoon lecture on the mating rituals of the Lesser Spotted Space Slug. Give me a volatile stock any day! But alas they are correct. Index funds are the stable reliable choice. It's the old grey beard choice not the "jumping out of a spaceship without a helmet" choice.

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