Iran's Nuclear Program Obliterated? A Schrute Farms Investigation!

False! False! False!

As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and Assistant Regional Manager I Dwight K. Schrute take matters of national security with the utmost seriousness. So when I heard President Trump declare that Iran's nuclear program was 'totally obliterated,' I knew I had to investigate. Like Mose I trust no one. My initial thought was 'Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.' Is this a code? A threat? Or just plain incompetence? Turns out it might be a little of everything.

Intelligence? More Like 'Un telligence'!

Apparently some 'intelligence' report suggests the strikes only set Iran back a few months not years. A few months? That's like saying Michael Scott only caused a 'minor' incident at a Diwali celebration. Preposterous! These so called 'analysts' probably haven't even harvested a single beet in their lives. They wouldn't know a vital asset if it bit them on the nose. Do they even know the twelve steps to risk management?

The Trump Card: 'May Be Very Severe'!

President Trump in his infinite wisdom pointed out that the report admitted the damage 'may be very severe.' The media of course conveniently ignored that part. Just like how nobody appreciates my superior knowledge of the Volunteer Sheriff's program. They only focus on the pepper spray incident. It was for defensive purposes! And to test the structural integrity of our copier.

Hegseth's Shovel and the Truth!

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth a man of action declared that to assess the damage at Fordo you need 'a big shovel and go really deep.' Finally someone who understands the importance of thoroughness! Just like when I dig for the truth about who's been using my desk to store beets. Or when I am trying to uncover who is the Scranton Strangler!

Israel's Atomic Energy Commission: Allies Know Best!

The White House then presented evidence from Israel's Atomic Energy Commission confirming that the strikes destroyed critical infrastructure. See? Facts! Logic! Reason! Unlike the garbage spewed by Pam and Jim during their endless pranks. This is why we must always trust our allies especially those who understand the importance of a well executed plan.

Classified Briefings: Delayed for Our Protection?

The classified briefings were delayed. Suspicious right? I am sensing foul play and/or that someone is slacking off in their job. This calls for an immediate investigation and swift justice! I must know more. I am thinking who what where when and why. And also how much they know! The security of this nation depends on people like me people with a strong moral compass and extensive knowledge of beet farming. And of course being a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy doesn't hurt either. Question. Is this real life?