Uber's Board: Just Added a Little Anarchy!

Why So Serious... About Board Meetings?

Alright chuckleheads gather 'round! Newsflash from the dullsville that is the corporate world: Nikesh Arora big cheese over at Palo Alto Networks (whatever THAT is) is now slumming it with the Uber folks. Seems they're getting all hot and bothered about robotaxis. Robotaxis! Can you imagine the mayhem? I'm already picturing them driving into banks...or maybe just each other. Oh the possibilities! As I always say 'Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos.'

Shake It Up Baby! Or Maybe Just Shake 'Em Down

Apparently Uber's had a bit of a 'personnel adjustment,' as they say. Some delivery guy named Pierre Dimitri Gore Coty (try saying that three times fast!) kicked the bucket after 13 years of delivering disappointments. Another guy Andrew Macdonald is now the big cheese the COO. All this so Khosrowshahi can...what? Strategize? Pfft. Sounds boring. But hey anything to distract from the fact that Tesla and Waymo are breathing down their necks in the whole 'cars driving themselves' game. Don't ya just love it when these so called professionals scramble?

Arora's Grand Entrance: A Clown in a Boardroom

Arora bless his heart says he's 'honored' to be joining the Uber circus. Honored! Like anyone actually WANTS to be stuck in those boring board meetings. He even said Uber 'fundamentally transformed how people and goods move through cities.' Oh did they now? I thought it was called traffic jams not transformation but what do I know? All I know is that wherever this Arora fellow goes the crazy train follows. I like him. He reminds me of myself. Sort of.

The Khosrowshahi Shuffle: More Like a Khosrow SHOW!

Uber's CEO Dara Khosrowshahi is all smiles calling Arora a 'fierce competitor.' Fierce? That’s cute. Sounds like something a toddler would say before throwing a tantrum. Khosrowshahi wants to smooth things over expand the Eats business and avoid any more regulatory...hiccups. Good luck with that! The world is full of sharks and hyenas and these fellas are swimming with the former and behaving like the latter. Remember: Madness is like gravity...all it needs is a little push!

Robotaxi Rumble: Mayhem on Wheels!

Tesla's launching their robotaxi in Austin in June! The same city where Waymo is teaming up with Uber. Waymo recently bragged about TEN MILLION paid driverless rides! Can you imagine the chaos when these things start malfunctioning? A robotaxi pileup on I 35? Now THAT'S entertainment! I'm getting positively giddy just thinking about it. Also DoorDash wants to be the evil version of Santa Claus and is delivering everything to everyone. It's all a bit much isn't it?

Show Me the Money! And Maybe a Laugh or Two

And of course the most important part: the money! Arora gets a measly $60,000 a year in cash plus $300,000 in stock. Pathetic. I wouldn’t get out of bed for that kind of chump change. Speaking of chump change maybe he can use that money to invest in some joy buzzer futures or extra long whoopee cushions. Now THAT'S a business I could get behind! As I always say it's not about the money...it's about sending a message. Everything burns!