Is America Losing Its Mind? Investors Flee Like Bats From a Burning Cave!

Why So Serious America?

Alright folks Joker here bringing you the real news from the loony bin – I mean the financial world. Apparently Neel Kashkari some big shot at the Minneapolis Fed is flapping his gums about investors running scared from the good ol' U.S. of A. Says the trade war is making everyone nervous. You know like when I show up to a children's birthday party. It's all part of my controlled demolition see? Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh and I look *fabulous* doing it.

The Dollar's Dropping? HAHAHA!

So the dollar's taking a nosedive and Treasury yields are going up? Boo hoo! Kashkari's whining about how this is the opposite of what's supposed to happen when you slap tariffs on everything. What did you expect? A standing ovation? Maybe a parade? I’m not a monster; I’m just ahead of the curve.

America No Longer the Belle of the Ball?

Kashkari goes on about how the trade deficit might be shrinking 'cause America ain't the prettiest girl at the dance anymore. You hear that Gotham? I mean uh America? You're losing your touch! You used to be the one causing all the mayhem now look at you! A clown can do anything especially run this town into the ground!

Stresses Not Dislocations? Don't Bore Me!

Oh but don't worry folks Kashkari says he's only seeing 'stresses,' not 'significant dislocations.' What a party pooper! Where's the fun in that? I want to see the whole thing burn! Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it!

Inflation Schmflation!

Apparently his big concern is keeping inflation in check. Yawn. That's what they all say. Rules are like traffic lights: when you're running late you just run them. As if anyone's listening to these jokers anyway! They think they have control? HA! Control is an illusion and a pretty fragile one at that.

CNBC Pro LIVE? More Like CNBC Pro Dead!

And what's this I see? CNBC's having some exclusive event at the New York Stock Exchange? Oh that sounds like a party I don't want to miss! Limited tickets you say? Perfect. Makes the chaos even more exclusive! Maybe I'll swing by and show them a magic trick. I'll make their money...disappear!