A Dark Day in the Midwest (Wernstrom!)
Good news everyone! I'm here to report on a most disturbing development a news story that's got my cerebral vortex spinning faster than a hamster on amphetamines! It appears a malcontent by the name of Vance Luther Boelter (a name I'm sure will be muttered in hushed tones for generations like Zoidberg's uncle Harold!) has gone on a rampage in Minnesota. Apparently this Boelter fellow not unlike that rascal Bender impersonating a human impersonated a police officer and committed dastardly deeds.
Murder and Mayhem (Oh My!)
Sadly but not surprisingly Melissa Hortman a Democratic state representative and former Speaker of the Minnesota House and her husband Mark were victims of this 'politically motivated assassination,' as they say. A tragic loss indeed! But fear not! I'm sure there's a perfectly logical scientific explanation... or maybe just some old fashioned crazy juice. I just hope they backed up their consciousnesses.
Senator's Close Shave (To Shreds You Say?)
The story continues! In a separate but equally dreadful incident Democratic state Senator John Hoffman and his wife Yvette were also shot. Thankfully these two are reported to be in stable condition but the near death experience is not something I wish on anyone! Not even Zoidberg! (Okay maybe Zoidberg). But seriously it is something I wish for my nemesis Doctor Wernstrom!
A Nation on Edge (To the Pain!)
The state and indeed the nation is on edge as it should be when a lunatic is on the loose and if I understand correctly carrying a list of potential victims. Senator Amy Klobuchar bless her robotic heart stated that everyone is on edge. I must say I concur. It's moments like these when I wish I'd perfected my Smell O Scope a bit sooner! I could be selling them for a fortune!
The Hunt is On! (Wa haaa!)
The authorities bless their tiny brains are on the hunt and the FBI is offering a hefty sum for information. If you see this Boelter character do not attempt to engage. Contact the authorities immediately! Unless of course you have a ray gun. Then vaporize him! (Just kidding! Mostly.) Contact the FBI at 1 800 CALL FBI (1 800 225 5324) the Minnesota Department of Public Safety's Bureau of Criminal Apprehension tip line at 1 877 996 6222 or email bca.tips@state.mn.us.
Remembering the Fallen (A Moment of Silence…)
In the wake of this tragedy tributes are pouring in for Melissa Hortman a woman described as the 'most consequential Speaker in state history.' It's a shame she had to meet her end in such a manner. We must remember her and learn from her example and hope that the authorities can catch this Boelter fellow soon or else 'Good News Everyone'! We are all doomed. Now where did I put my time machine?
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From Professor Hubert J Farnsworth
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