Good News Everyone! Etsy Saves Us From Trump Tariffs!

Sweet Zombie Jesus Tariffs!

Good news everyone! It seems President Trump bless his heart has decided to slap tariffs on everything but Sunday. Etsy that online marketplace of doohickeys and thingamajigs is trying to pull a fast one on those tariffs by highlighting local sellers! It's like trying to put out a dumpster fire with a garden hose but hey I admire the chutzpah!

A Clever Ruse or a Calculated Gamble?

According to Etsy CEO Josh Silverman they're "surfacing new ways for buyers to discover businesses in their countries." Apparently people are increasingly interested in shopping domestically. Who knew? It’s a bold move Cotton let’s see if it pays off! Etsy is trying to play the "shop local" card which might actually work...unless everyone realizes that 'local' Etsy sellers are just reselling stuff from China anyway! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!

Etsy vs. The World (and Amazon)

Etsy bless its little cotton socks is competing with the likes of Amazon Temu and Shein. Those behemoths are about as subtle as a black hole in a dark room. By pushing local sellers Etsy hopes to offer refuge from Trump's tariff induced price hikes. Will it work? Only time (and my Smell O Scope) will tell!

The De Minimis Debacle!

Trump in his infinite wisdom has decided to end the de minimis provision a loophole that allows low value shipments to sneak into the country without tariffs. This is terrible news! Soon it will only be legal to buy locally sourced items! Etsy is trying to help its sellers navigate this mess which is like trying to teach a robot to feel emotions. Impossible but hilarious to watch.

A Glimmer of Hope (Maybe)

Silverman claims Etsy will benefit from the tariffs because it "has much less dependence on products coming in from China." Huzzah! But even he admits that shoppers might still face higher prices. It's like saying you're going to have a healthy snack and then devouring a bucket of lard. A half truth is better than none after all.

To the Future! (Or Maybe Just to the Poorhouse)

Etsy shares are down 17% this year. Ouch! Perhaps all that local sourcing isn't as appealing as cheap mass produced gizmos from overseas. Oh well as I always say "I don't like the look of this. I'm afraid I'm going to have to science the hell out of it!"