Good News Everyone! Chilean Thief Steals Purse from Homeland Security Secretary, Claims Alcohol Amnesia!

A Purse Snatching Most Fowl!

Good news everyone! It appears some ne'er do well by the name of Mario Bustamente Leiva described as a Chilean chap who might have forgotten to ask permission to reside in this here country has allegedly snatched the purse of one Kristi Noem the Homeland Security Secretary. And if I may add with the Secret Service watching! It's like something out of a poorly written sci fi novel only real and therefore slightly more depressing.

The Scene of the Crime: Capital Burger!

The incident occurred as these things often do at a place called Capital Burger. One can only assume they serve burgers. Probably not made from Soylent Green I hope though you never know these days. Mr. Leiva or so they say relieved Ms. Noem of her purse whilst she was enjoying a meal with her family. It's enough to make you say 'Sweet zombie Jesus!'

Credit Card Capers!

Following this audacious act and the other two to which he is charged Mr. Leiva is said to have engaged in a series of fraudulent purchases fueled by Ms. Noem's purloined credit cards. They say he bought food and alcohol at an Italian Restaurant spending over $205. One can only speculate what kind of vintage he acquired. Probably something cheap like Chateau Picard.

Alcohol: The Cause of and Solution to All of Life's Problems!

Upon his arrest at a motel – not the Planet Express headquarters sadly – Mr. Leiva after suffering from a slight case of the 'drinky poos' (alcohol withdrawal to be precise) claimed to be an alcoholic with memory issues. He even denied knowing who Ms. Noem was despite having allegedly relieved her of her handbag! I’ve seen robots with better excuses yes! It's as if he thought he could use the old 'alcohol amnesia' trick. A bold move Cotton let's see if it pays off.

The Purse: A Treasure Trove of Evidence!

Inside the motel room along with Ms. Noem's purse containing a king's ransom well $3,000 dollars at least the authorities uncovered an American Express gift card. A gift card! The iron y is delicious! A gift card! And I repeat over $3,170 in cash and some clothing which matched those used in the alleged robberies! It appears that he didn’t quite make it to that lovely Cash Machine on the moon. Oh the crushing disappointment!

Oh My Yes! A Crime Spree Unravels

This whole affair involving purse snatching Homeland Security Secretaries and possible alcohol induced amnesia reminds me of the time I invented the Smell O Scope... only to discover that the universe smelled mostly of forgotten dreams and despair. On the bright side at least this time no one tried to steal my invention and use it to locate the lost city of Atlantis! Oh my yes! But in any case lets hope that the authorities do not end up taking too long to resolve this case or else… to shreds you say?